Combat Zone

Junior Nyan Fosling was expelled from the University of Puget Sound earlier this week after a lengthy investigation involving serious allegations of plagiarism, academic dishonesty and intellectual property theft. Reports began as early as six months ago, when a professor anonymously communicated with officials that one of their students was showing strange, clichéd behavior, without explaining to anyone what he was doing. After a long process of comparing and analyzing these behavioral patterns with notable published works, authorities officially charged Fosling with emulating several well-known characters, shaping his own life...

University of Puget Sound junior Juan Peal has become a renowned fashion icon on campus, and it’s all thanks to Kickstarter. Kickstarter is a program meant to foster financial support for young artists, whether it is to record their first album or pay for art supplies. People post their cause online by city and anyone who visits the website is allowed to donate to causes. Previous successes include funding the Blue Mouse Theater to go digital and the smash science fiction/comedy film Unidentified Flying Assholes. Juan, on the other hand,...

Hey you. Remember me? Remember Saturday night? There you were. There I was. There we were. Three years of muted romantic tension built to a head.  I didn’t know you and my housemate were so close. Clearly not that close—he plays for the other team. But close enough to find the two of you tangled amongst the many bikes our house has amassed. Your lips were stained burgundy with cheap wine. I wanted to taste those lips, to know the exact vineyard in Australia that had so delicately warped your...

Last week the University of Puget Sound Diner debuted its newest Asian station success, ramen. Students lined up out the door on Sunday, a line amounting to more customers than the Asian station has had since its inception. The ramen came with many different meat and topping options that left students foaming at the mouth. Little did the students know the ramen was the first in a long line of changes at the S.U.B. Based on the highly successful results of having students roll burritos for their peers, the administration...

The University of Puget Sound administration has gone to great lengths this last year to update our national image as a prestigious Liberal Arts academy of learning and multicultural awareness. Already, the elimination of that handicapped-accessible ramp behind McIntyre, the proposal to drop the “University of” from our name, and the use of silver iodine to disrupt cloud formations have been prime examples of Puget Sound’s commitment to be taken more seriously by the academic community. However, one large obstacle still needs to be overcome. The University has begun looking...

As the University of Puget Sound celebrates its 125th year, we here at The Trail have this opportunity to look over the history of University of Puget Sound (or The Puget Sound University as it was known from 1890 to 1903, the College of Puget Sound as it was known from 1914 to 1960, the Make-Believe-Harvard-of-the-West-When-Stanford-Isn’t-Looking University as it will be know from 2014 to 2025 and the University of Phoenix Online, Tacoma Annex, as it will be known from 2025, until the return of Galactic Overlord Xenu in 2134)....

Puget Sound students and administrators were left puzzled and stunned after attending famed comedian Bill Cosby’s recent school-sponsored talk. “I mean, I don’t know what I was expecting, maybe a joke set of some sort,” junior Hannah Weitz said. “But that?” Events planner Jerry Garcia expressed a similar befuddlement. “What the s**t did I just watch?” Apparently, rather than following the school-approved script of knock-knock jokes and memories from Kids Say The Darndest Things, Cosby took the time to share with the audience his passion for haiku poetry and nude...

By VONNIE KEATSGUTS Recently, large water bottles were banned from sale on campus, beginning at a later date. You know, the gigantic ones which say Puget Sound on the side. The bottles were introduced in 2008 with the onset of the Great Recession. School officials were unsure if tuition and federal funding would be enough to keep the school afloat, so, following soda manufacturers’ lead, the school embarked on the greatest scam ever: bottling and selling a product they give away for free from every tap, toliet and urinal on...

By JEZABEL LIGHTLY Campus is abuzz this week. Not over the end of a long and grueling semester, but rather over the prospect of another reading period in the library and the exhibitionist acts that accompany the 24 hour periods during which it remains open. The nudists and streakers have been seen this month wiping down banisters and disinfecting several routes they plan to take through the library due  to concerns over skin irritation and outbreaks of rashes. Several large drums have also been found hidden in various corners of...

By VONNIE KEATSGUTS Ever sit in your nice apartment, sipping cognac, wondering what kind of rubes  would live on campus past freshman year? Well, you’re not alone. Most people do. It makes little sense, on the surface. RCCs and uncomfortable dorm furniture, when you have other options? Are these people nuts? The answer to that question is a resounding yes. As one of these dunces, allow me to take you on a wondrous tour of the safari that is our on-campus upperclassmen. Keep your hands and feet inside at all...

Last Wednesday was the wonderful day everyone on campus had been buzzing about for a month now. That event, of course, was the Midnight Breakfast! After its triumphant return from an awkward hiatus last year, during which drunken debaucheries, public vomiting, fights, rampant orgies and the singing of Dispatch’s “The General” caused campus authorities to take away a beloved and cherished eating of breakfast food, for fear that this sacred and holy event was forever tarnished. They tentatively allowed it last semester, albeit with full-body screenings and breathalyzers, extra security...

Officers within the University of Puget Sound’s security team informed the press today of an impending, full-scale sting operation culminating in a fully armed raid already in progress on the shadowy, mysterious corners of the second floor of Marshall Hall. “We’re up against smart, hardened criminals,” one sergeant, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retribution against his family, said. “However, we’re confident that after months of tracing their movements, we can finally end what is certainly the most notorious criminal syndicate ever to occur on the second floor...