Phillip Zimbardo has been secured as the commencement speaker for the class of 2013. In order to get Zimbardo to agree to lower his usually incredibly high fee, the University made an agreement to allow Zimbardo to kill two birds with one stone. The Puget Sound graduation of 2013 will go down in psychology history as one of Zimbardo’s modern experiments designed to reveal the truth of human nature. Famous for the Stanford Prison Experiment, it is unclear what exactly Zimbardo plans on doing with the Class of 2013. However...

In response to the recent defeat of an armed attacker near campus, vigilante justice has begun to rapidly take over the Puget Sound community. After years of complaining about security services’ incredibly late notifications, students have decided to take matters into their own hands. Security services has seen a massive reduction in the number of calls received a night, leaving them free to let locked-out freshmen back into their rooms. No longer afraid of any kind of violence on the Tacoma streets, students are expanding their adventures all over Tacoma,...

By VONNIE KEATSGUTS Recently, large water bottles were banned from sale on campus, beginning at a later date. You know, the gigantic ones which say Puget Sound on the side. The bottles were introduced in 2008 with the onset of the Great Recession. School officials were unsure if tuition and federal funding would be enough to keep the school afloat, so, following soda manufacturers’ lead, the school embarked on the greatest scam ever: bottling and selling a product they give away for free from every tap, toliet and urinal on...

By JEZABEL LIGHTLY Campus is abuzz this week. Not over the end of a long and grueling semester, but rather over the prospect of another reading period in the library and the exhibitionist acts that accompany the 24 hour periods during which it remains open. The nudists and streakers have been seen this month wiping down banisters and disinfecting several routes they plan to take through the library due  to concerns over skin irritation and outbreaks of rashes. Several large drums have also been found hidden in various corners of...

By GIRTH BROOKS The prostate. Most of us have heard of it. It is refered to in many tantra writings as the “sacred gate.” Sometimes known as the elusive “male g-spot,” the prostate opens up many doors for sexual stimulation in males. However, there are a lot of misconceptions about the prostate. Before we delve into these misunderstandings and techniques in how to stimulate the prostate, we must first figure out exactly what the hell this mysterious gland is in the first place. The prostate is located just under the...

By VONNIE KEATSGUTS Ever sit in your nice apartment, sipping cognac, wondering what kind of rubes  would live on campus past freshman year? Well, you’re not alone. Most people do. It makes little sense, on the surface. RCCs and uncomfortable dorm furniture, when you have other options? Are these people nuts? The answer to that question is a resounding yes. As one of these dunces, allow me to take you on a wondrous tour of the safari that is our on-campus upperclassmen. Keep your hands and feet inside at all...

Last Wednesday was the wonderful day everyone on campus had been buzzing about for a month now. That event, of course, was the Midnight Breakfast! After its triumphant return from an awkward hiatus last year, during which drunken debaucheries, public vomiting, fights, rampant orgies and the singing of Dispatch’s “The General” caused campus authorities to take away a beloved and cherished eating of breakfast food, for fear that this sacred and holy event was forever tarnished. They tentatively allowed it last semester, albeit with full-body screenings and breathalyzers, extra security...

NASA scientists were stunned to discover that Curiosity, the new rover recently landed on Mars, made contact of a kind they never could have expected. “It was pretty much a typical post-landing rager,” Bill Ingall, one of the Curiosity team leaders, said. “A few guys doing blow off a hooker’s stomach rolls, that kind of thing, you know basic NASA stuff. I was showing this chick the landing footage again when I first saw it: a kind of black shape, right under the rover before it landed.” He called over...