Phillip Zimbardo has been secured as the commencement speaker for the class of 2013.
In order to get Zimbardo to agree to lower his usually incredibly high fee, the University made an agreement to allow Zimbardo to kill two birds with one stone. The Puget Sound graduation of 2013 will go down in psychology history as one of Zimbardo’s modern experiments designed to reveal the truth of human nature.
Famous for the Stanford Prison Experiment, it is unclear what exactly Zimbardo plans on doing with the Class of 2013. However The Trail has been able to find several adjustments being made to this year’s graduation preparations.
First, every set of cap and gowns has been fitted with small electrical wires designed to administer gradually greater shocks to the wearer, as controlled by a third party. Only white males between the ages of 18 and 25 will be allowed to attend the ceremony for the purpose of controlling variables. All others may watch the ceremony broadcast live on YouTube.
Each graduate will be randomly assigned a number and then will proceed to experience the ceremony with that number as their class rank. In order to smooth the ruffled feathers of all female and non-white graduates the school is investing money in novelty merchandise. “Harvard of the West” T-shirts, mugs and novelty foam fingers will all be available for purchase commemorating participation in the New Stanford Experiment.
Several members of WEB (Women’s Empowerment and Badassery) registered fomal complaints with the school over the graduation decisions.
“One of the reasons we redefined ourselves as WEB instead of VAVA is specifically because of problems like this,” senior Shulamith Dworkin said. “We wanted to move away from this idea that women are obsessed with material objects, or even corporeal concepts like violence. Instead we wanted to focus on our spirit animal, the Black Widow, which ensares its mate in its web after copulation and sucks out his liquified guts; his life essence. We also think having made-up words in our name makes us more legitimate.”
Dworkin seemed to have more to say, but was distracted and burst into a series of elated shrieks when her boyfriend Zac Malefrom presented her with a set of cubic zirconia earings.
“Sometimes gifts are the only way to get them to shut up,” Malefrom said.