Combat Zone

Original public domain image from Flickr Fearless. Sprightly. Youthful. These are all words that effortlessly slip from the tongue as we bear witness to our President’s health journey. As many would say, “not all heroes wear capes.” Well, ours sure deserves one. President Donald Trump has not only been fighting a war with Iran, but has also been bravely fighting one within his own immune system, and we are certain he will conquer this illness just as he conquered that conflict. Trump has made consistent efforts to downplay his illness...

Jimmy Kimmel’s Reinstatement Gives Hope to Mediocre White Male Comedians Everywhere Alarming New Report Suggests that Silk Sonic’s Music Insufficient to Curb Falling Birth Rates Pierce County Candidate John McCarthy Could Not Have Picked Worse Last Name to Run For Office National Guard Members Deployed to Portland Immediately Subsumed into Collaborative Resin Art Polycule Pope Leo Threatens to Send Exorcist to White House Following Trump’s War on Chicago Trump Spends Seven Months With Elon Musk; Now Feels Need to Eradicate Autism Due to Research Funding Cuts, We May Never Know...

By Molly Clement   In breaking (yet somehow not surprising) news, Dr. Doofenshmirtz, CEO of Doofenshmirtz Inc., is apparently real and has been hired as a visiting science professor at the University of Puget Sound to replace retiring professors. Thus far, he has set up his laboratory in the observatory on top of Thompson Hall, and is specifically working with President Crawford on an ultra-secret research project to boost the student body's GPA by the end of the academic year. In essence, Doofenshmirtz was hired to create an “Oldifyanator” to...

  By Emmet O'Connor   Donald J. Trump’s victory in November and ascent to the Oval Office for a second time was a surprise to many Democrats and liberal voters. The subsequent wave of sadness and disbelief that began after election day is ongoing, and is only exacerbated by daily news of planes crashing and federal employees being fired. In response to the new president and his unfolding plan for the country, the Democratic Party has announced an unprecedented approach to party politics: doing absolutely nothing.    The early signs that...

By Ishaan Gollamudi   Adapting to the Musk administration’s recent freeze on NIH funding, faculty in the Puget Sound Biology Department have been forced to find alternate ways to fund their research. Fortunately, considering the University’s own history of financial difficulties — and its ongoing broke-ness — faculty on campus are well-versed in operating on a shoestring budget. At this point, it might as well be tradition.   As early as 1889, one year after the founding of the University of Puget Sound, the campus’s financial problems became undeniable. After members of...