By Emmet O’Connor
Donald J. Trump’s victory in November and ascent to the Oval Office for a second time was a surprise to many Democrats and liberal voters. The subsequent wave of sadness and disbelief that began after election day is ongoing, and is only exacerbated by daily news of planes crashing and federal employees being fired. In response to the new president and his unfolding plan for the country, the Democratic Party has announced an unprecedented approach to party politics: doing absolutely nothing.
The early signs that this was the Democrat’s new track were in July when President Joe Biden dropped out of the presidential race and endorsed Kamala Harris for the Democratic nomination. This decision left Harris with 107 days to plan and execute a successful presidential campaign. It’s a political move so stupid we can only reason that it was intentional, so we reached out to the Democratic Party for comment.
“Yeah, we’re kinda sick and tired of doing things. It’s way easier to not do anything than to do something, so we’re doing that: not doing anything” a Patagonia-clad political consultant said when asked about why the Democratic Party has been deafeningly quiet in response to Trump’s numerous executive actions. Another consultant claimed that the Democrats were doing “something” but their plan was just “super secret.” When asked to elaborate, they simply re-emphasized just how “top-secret” and “underground” these Democratic plans were. The Democratic Party’s constituency, meanwhile, has been confused by the radio silence from their chosen party. One blue voter said that they had felt “left behind by the party” and that the party had “given up,” but they also said that ”the prospect of something, anything maybe happening eventually was reason enough to vote for them again in three years.”
Next, we decided to reach across the aisle and ask a supporter of the Republican party what they thought about the silence of the Democratic Party. “I think they’re planning a violent takeover. They’re gonna use woke magic to carry out a January Sixth — a violent one, not a peaceful and loving one like we did — without us even knowing.” He then proceeded to show an image of the supposed Democratic planning sessions that were taking place “beneath George Soros’s house.” After further investigation, the photo turned out to be from the Stanley Kubrick film “Eyes Wide Shut.”
We also decided to contact congressional Republicans for insight into how they viewed their political rivals’ radio silence. “There have been several credible claims that the Democratic Party may in fact be trying to cause some kind of upset over the election results,” a representative said during our interview. Following the interview we received an email from the representative that contained a poorly AI-generated photo of George Soros, Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden and Barack Obama gathered around a glowing orb. The email’s subject line simply read “Fwd:Fwd:Fwd: proof!!!!!”
The claims of a “Democratic January Sixth” turned out to be true when several thousand Democrats filed into the surrounding area of Capitol Hill on Feb. 28. Crucially, there was no violence. However, there were seventeen interpretative dances and innumerable “white people protest songs” being sung. Notably, “We Are The World” was sung 11 times within the three-hour time frame of the attempted “Blue Coup.” We asked numerous people on the ground if they had ever been to the basement of George Soros but got no conclusive answers. We did find multiple people who actively practiced “woke magic,” but they did not explain what that meant beyond cryptically alluding to “the Wiccan lifestyle.” The coup was, however, a failure after most people grew physically and mentally tired of interpretative dancing and hearing “We Are World” ad nauseam. There were also no orbs at the coup, outside of a beachball brought by a civic-minded pothead.