By Molly Clement
The University of Puget Sound has seen a recent plague of a new app called Fizz, where students can share anonymous opinions with their classmates. Currently, most students use this app to communicate their true feelings about Greek life on campus, general thoughts about their day and to convey their debilitating need for physical affection. Recent reports, however, confirm that Pacific Lutheran University (PLU) launched Fizz to learn the weaknesses of the Puget Sound student body and, after collecting anonymous information on Loggers, blackmail them for nefarious purposes. In a recent interview, Mike Hawk, PhD, head of the LTDC (Logger Take Down Committee) at PLU stated that he had the idea after the Lutes beat the Loggers in the most recent football season. He gloated, “That made me think we should be defeating them not only athletically but socially too, and to really crush our flannel-wrapped foes, we’d need to engage in a little bit of meddling.”
Dr. Hawk revealed that his team was a band of misfits who were tired of the Loggers and their state-of-the-art campus infrastructure, and apparently also how much better Logger colors look. They devised an evil plan to trick Puget Sound students into anonymously posting their deepest darkest secrets, which the LTDC would then exploit in order to crush the University of Puget Sound campus community, and launch PLU to academic prestige and fame. How exactly blackmailing University of Puget Sound students would make PLU seem more prestigious was, as Mike Hawk, PhD, put it, “a lower-order concern.”
As the LTDC launched Fizz, they realized that the only information they found was about how Greek life students felt about Greek life. The Lutes also quickly realized no exploitation or blackmail was possible because, as it turned out, the Puget Sound student community is so horrifically down bad for one another that, as another member of the LTDC put it, “it would be kinda weird and sad. Blackmailing them feels like it would be stooping almost inhumanely low, like forcing a business major to take a literacy test.” Indeed, what Fizz has proven is that Loggers will hook up anywhere, even on anonymous websites, which was definitely not the goal of the LTDC. The other confusing feature students have found is that you can anonymously sell things on Fizz. Dr. Hawk states “yeah, we didn’t really know how to turn that feature off, it just came with the spyware we built Fizz on, which we bought from Temu.” However, it seems to have worked out well for the Lutes, as the LTDC now has a great new wardrobe!
As Fizz didn’t quite work out the way the LTDC was hoping, they have confessed that they mostly just use the polls for their statistics projects now. Although Dr. Hawk and his companions won’t be manipulating the Loggers to their downfall, hookups from Fizz have resulted in a whopping 346% increase in STD cases on campus. The Tacoma-Pierce County Public Health Department has yet to respond to this threat, as they have been directed by the CDC towards “de-fluoridating the water.” The LTDC sees this as a win and is currently plotting its next scheme.