I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a little over a year now (she doesn’t go here), but I’ve started having this issue lately. Our relationship is perfect, except she’s not as sexually adventurous as I am and I can feel myself starting to get a little bored with the same routine. We’ve tried discussing this but she isn’t really willing to budge on the matter. I don’t think sex is the most important part of a relationship, so it would feel wrong for me to issue an ultimatum, but I can’t help but feel a little unfulfilled in this relationship despite how much we otherwise love each other. Help!
Sincerely, Indecisive Lover
Dear Indecisive Lover,
Wow! A perfect relationship! How lucky you are ;) It’s normal to go through periods of a little more and less adventure and excitement in a relationship, but it’s always good to try to keep the spark alive! My initial query into this matter is how you are approaching these conversations with your girlfriend. Are you mentioning wanting a little more spice directly after doing the deed? In little quips in side conversations? The first thing you should think about is how to approach the conversation in a way that doesn’t put pressure on it, but also shows how much this matters to you. This goes without saying, but make sure to be intentional with maintaining respect and trying not to make your girlfriend feel pressured or bad about not wanting to do anything. Even with people we are intimate and vulnerable with, there can be a lot under the surface, especially when it comes to sex. Specificity and phrasing is really important in this conversation. Saying that you want to “try to be more adventurous” or want to “try new things” is quite broad and easy to shut down. What does that specifically mean? Approaching the conversation doesn’t have to be serious, it can even come in the form of some foreplay (hellooooo sexting). Using phrases such as “how would you feel if I did (sexy thing),” and “I really want to (insert sexy thing here)” can be fun, can build excitement and makes it easier to just throw ideas out there. Intentional conversations around sex are my favorite way to build intimacy and comfort with another person. This can be a part of aftercare; having a little check in about what you like, what you would change, what you want to try while laying in the nude is the perfect place for these conversations. One thing that I would recommend is using an app like Official (not sponsored) where you can swipe on sex positions, kinks, etc., and you and your partner can “match” and see what you both say “yes” or “maybe” to. This can help open the door to more conversation, and maybe some more action. If your girlfriend continues to “not budge,” I would check in with yourself on how you’re approaching the conversation, and lead with curiosity in questioning your girlfriend’s reasons. No need to issue an ultimatum, but it’s important to try to understand the other person’s perspective, especially when it’s something looming in your mind. Keep it safe while trying to make it spicy.