By Molly Clement
Our beloved mascot Grizzmond has announced his transfer to Pacific Lutheran University, effective next semester, stating: “My time at Puget Sound has been great, but I’ve been enrolled since 2006 and I haven’t graduated yet, so I might try my luck somewhere else.” In his wake, Grizz has left a trail of broken hearts – the entire football team was apparently in a polyamorous relationship with the flannel-clad ex-mascot.
One of Grizz’s heartbroken lovers, Pastuso Brown, has publicly spiraled about Grizz’s decision to leave on Instagram Live, wondering why the latter was “throwing 19 years of love down the drain for the Lutes? I just don’t understand where I went wrong.” Crawford has also made it abundantly clear that Grizz should have gone somewhere cooler: “but for real PLU? He could have gone to San Diego or Arizona or somewhere warm at least but he’s throwing me away just for Tacoma’s other D3 liberal arts college?” This was followed by much blubbering and tears, followed by a half-hearted back pats from members of the administration.
For his piece, Grizz has said he’s done dwelling on the past and is now ready to focus on his future, and to trade in his axe for a sword. However, although Grizz has been accepted into PLU, the administration has forced him to read the Pacific Lutheran constitution, and in doing so he learned that transfers – specifically from the University of Puget Sound – must fight a Lute of equal status to be allowed to attend. As such a transfer has never happened before, it will be a televised debut event and all Loggers and Lutes are invited to attend! We caught up with Grizz during his preparation for the fight, and he told us he is feeling as confident as ever, sharpening his axe and practicing his mobility with the Puget Sound soccer team. He’s more ready than he’s ever been to fight his way into PLU.
On the other end at PLU, the student Grizz is preparing to take down is the average PLU student, Illeta Farty, a freshman who started attending spring of ‘25. She has been homeschooled her whole life, has never seen a bear before and she wears dental headgear to all of her classes. It’s safe to say this will be a close fight.
In an attempt to prevent Grizz from leaving, President Crawford revised the Puget Sound constitution. This recently-adopted provision holds that if any student is to transfer to PLU from Puget Sound, they must fight 10 current Puget Sound students to earn the right to to leave. Crucially, these ten students are selected from a volunteer pool. Hence, we are including an application to be one of the ten lucky students who get the once in a lifetime chance to fight their once-beloved Grizz, in an attempt to keep him here for just one more year. If you or a friend are interested in being one of these ten students please fill out this application, and return to the mailbox of the President’s House.