By V Solar-Miller
As I watch in disbelief as my final weeks on campus dwindle away, and the looming threat of a weekend filled with relatives and congratulations near, I was inspired to reflect on my past four years at the University. If you make it across the graduation stage, you’re coming out the other side a fundamentally different person than when you first arrived on campus. For the people who experienced romantic or sexual connection during their time here, Puget Sound teaches you how to navigate the social challenges that arise in this small, tight-knit community. Hoping to reminisce on the lessons learned, I sat down with five other graduating seniors to talk about the most substantial thing our $65,270 tuition went toward: getting down and dirty in the twin XL.
Whether it’s having a long-term highschool sweetheart, a body count over ten, being a virgin, having nothing but good sexual experiences, or nothing but bad, everyone comes into college with a preconceived notion about sex. In highschool, Taj Phillips (‘25) said he “definitely underestimated what sex is like or the value it brings,” and looking back at it from his age now, he said “it was more of a fun and pleasurable type of experience.” Others, like Luke Sloan (‘25), thought “that sex was never supposed to be casual and always was supposed to lead to more, like emotional ties.” While both Sloan and Phillips have different ideas about sex now, aspects of both mindsets still ring true. Casual sex is plagued with stigma, and the sexual liberation movement is currently being cauterized by the manosphere. I’ve learned relationships built around sex can work, and commitment or romantic feelings don’t have to get involved. There is, however, another side to casual sex. Later in his interview, Phillips told me about how his perspective on sex has changed since highschool. “I would say my biggest lesson here, as I was growing up, is that sex is meaningful. You shouldn’t do it with just anybody.” Having sex with someone regularly will lead to deeper feelings, but that doesn’t mean love. Sex is chemical as much as it is physical, and it’s incredibly vulnerable. You build a connection with the person you’re having sex with, you aren’t strangers to each other anymore.
You should care about, or at the very least, respect the person you’re having sex with. If you don’t, you should think about why you’re having sex with them. Chiara Garcia (‘25) said that their biggest lesson from their time at this University is that sex should be fun. They fully support casual sex and liberating yourself sexually, but they had an important follow-up: “a lot of times we might think we’re doing things just cause we’re carefree, just trying to have fun. But when you really look at yourself and why you want what you want, there’s probably something deeper going on.” Garcia went on to say that sex can be used for seeking validation, a way to self sabotage/harm, or to distract oneself from an ex, but, “it’s really important to want something for yourself and make that happen, in a healthy way.” Analyzing why you want to have sex is important. Will you feel better after you have sex with this person? Do you feel comfortable telling this person what you do and don’t like? Are you afraid they don’t like you? Will you feel desirable without their approval? Asking yourself these questions may bring clarity and guide you toward a more satisfactory relationship with sex overall.
Asher Wolf (‘25), who’s been friends with Garcia since freshman year, had a very similar takeaway on sex. He prefaced saying that, “it sounds intuitive,” but “sex should be enjoyable.” If you’re reading this and think, ‘well duh,’ I invite you to have an open mind. Like Wolf said, it seems inherent, but in order to learn what pleasurable, healthy, fun sex feels like, you have to experience it. There’s an immense amount of pressure to perform during sex, to not look weird and to act nonchalant, even if it’s not a mind-blowing orgasmic situation. Sex is awkward at times, and it’s really relieving to laugh and giggle about that with your partner. If sex feels like a chore, you’re panicking before a dick appointment, or maybe you’re tolerating bad sex in the hopes it’ll get better, that doesn’t sound like having fun.
Wolf points out the game-changer role gender has in the bedroom: “especially for trans folks, don’t underestimate what gender affirming care can do for you.” Wolf learned not to be afraid of his own sexuality, saying: “There’s a lot of shame and stigma around trans bodies,” and follows up with a comment on the way hormones change your body. “Your genitals simply look different than what you’re taught a normal set of genitals should look like. Being able to get past that, and really just embrace the queerness of it, um, I think is my biggest takeaway.”
Wolf’s words struck me during our conversation, making me realize I hadn’t taken the time to consider how my genderqueer identity affects the sex I’m having. Thinking back to my romances at Puget Sound, I didn’t have sex in trees or wiggle my way into any threesomes, but I did manage to find queer love. I survived the canon-event soul-crushing first afab breakup, which took a long time to recover from. Dating after a breakup like that was difficult on its own, but was made even harder in a close community where the game of telephone is a popular pastime. I obviously didn’t get the memo, but the most significant lesson for Sara Lovell (‘25) was “don’t fuck anybody from your school,” which they learned from watching other people experience Puget Sound’s dating scene. Lovell explained further, “Everybody knows each other, information gets around.” So, if you’re trying to get laid or find love on this campus, make your peace with seeing the people you’ve had sex with everywhere you go.
My biggest lessons are in line with those of Phillips, Garcia and Wolf, and I’ve come to realize how much I have left to learn about myself and sex. To date, I’ve learned almost all my lessons from my own mistakes. It takes a tremendous amount of courage, but I strongly recommend following your heart and trusting yourself, even if your choices lead you into faults. The most painful lessons are the ones you learn the most from. I’m taking all the uncertainty, heartache and excitement for future adventures with me across that graduation stage.