By Emmet O’Connor
The Trail’s Editor-in-Chief Andrew Paul Benoit has commandeered The Trail with an iron fist for the past two years, displaying a ruthless attitude in his never-ending search for truth. I was afforded an opportunity for an in-depth look into Andrew’s life beyond The Trail one afternoon, and gladly took up the offer.
One of Andrew’s roommates had reached out to the Combat Zone earlier, claiming that they had highly sensitive material on the Editor-in-Chief that could potentially tarnish the good name of The Trail as an institution. I accepted this mysterious roommate’s offer and arranged a meeting with them outside of Taco Bell on 6th Avenue. When I arrived at the scene, the roommate was nowhere to be found, but on the asphalt was a sticky note that simply read “Andrew found out.” When I tried to reach out to the roommate, I did not receive a reply.
Three days went by without a word from our source. During this period of silence I reached out to Andrew for a comment about the situation: “You shouldn’t be looking into this. What goes on outside of The Trail has no bearing whatsoever on my role as the Editor-in-Chief of The Trail.” Despite this warning, which had the undeniable air of a threat, I was not dissuaded from continuing this investigation.
After extensive deliberation, the Combat Zone team agreed that we would pursue any means, ethical and unethical, legal and illegal, to get to the bottom of this. I was enlisted to report on Andrew Benoit’s daily actions outside of The Trail and the discoveries I made were shocking.
Prior to every Monday Trail meeting, Andrew followed an impressive pre-meeting ritual that involved the consumption of a live chicken’s head and a significant amount of Pabst Blue Ribbon. After he finished the beer, he chucked the empty cans at his roommate, claiming that they “should bow before him” and “grovel.”
After the Monday Trail meeting, I tailed Andrew back to his home. While at the meeting, he kept mentioning “going RAW” and “RAW-night”. I learned that this is a reference to the World Wrestling Entertainment Netflix show, Monday Night RAW. While watching RAW, Andrew repeatedly executed wrestling moves on his roommates, specifically the Go To Sleep, the finisher of Chicago wrestler CM Punk, Andrew’s favorite. Once his roommates had either tapped out or lost by pinfall, Andrew jumped up and down, shouting “yippee!”
Another highly disturbing occurrence happened April 14. After the Red Sox lost 16-1 to the White Sox, an objectively humiliating defeat, Andrew proceeded to break everything in his house. I watched from the window as his roommates cowered in fear of his wrath.
I am writing this piece in an effort to expose the numerous transgressions Andrew has committed against the human race. We at the Combat Zone are committed to the truth no matter who that truth affects, even if it’s our Editor-in-Chief. Thankfully, the University of Puget Sound has excommunicated Andrew from The Trail and he has been sentenced to the stocks on the Slab. Moldy tomatoes and cabbages will not be provided by the University but copies of his theses have been made available for ridicule to his face.