By Molly Clement
In breaking (yet somehow not surprising) news, Dr. Doofenshmirtz, CEO of Doofenshmirtz Inc., is apparently real and has been hired as a visiting science professor at the University of Puget Sound to replace retiring professors. Thus far, he has set up his laboratory in the observatory on top of Thompson Hall, and is specifically working with President Crawford on an ultra-secret research project to boost the student body’s GPA by the end of the academic year. In essence, Doofenshmirtz was hired to create an “Oldifyanator” to make Puget Sound students smarter. In a classic Doofenshmirtzian malfunction, however, the machine was programmed to make students wiser, which the hardware of the Oldifyanator interpreted as transforming the students into young people with the mind of an elder. These effects have been observed by many on campus, just not by the faculty.
This mental aging of the student body has manifested in many different ways, including Puget Sound students’ new taste for nutty foods like pistachio ice cream and hazelnut coffee at all times of the day. Moreover, SUB employees have noticed that Puget Sound students have started ending their days with dinner at 5 p.m., and that campus is effectively deserted by 7 p.m. If their 11 hours of sleep at night aren’t enough, students have also often been observed taking 3 hour long naps throughout the day.
The style choices of these newly-minted mental elders have also been affected. Sightings of sweater vests on campus are up nearly 500%! In addition, campus community members have reportedly seen Puget Sound students lining up around the block at estate sales, hoping to score. Hey Dudes, loafers and other slipper usage has also proven increasingly more popular for foot comfort, as most Puget Sound students now report that they could care less about being “hip cats with foot swag.”
Ongoing ethnographic studies of this new aged demographic have also revealed that social activities at Puget Sound since this Oldifyanator malfunction have, more broadly, transitioned from dancing and partying to fiber arts and bird watching. More students have been caught reading The Trail than ever!
However, the Oldifyanator malfunction has not been without its consequences. After the student body was zapped, Technology Services declared a campus wide state of emergency because the majority of the student body had forgotten how to download documents, use Canvas, log onto Fizz and even play Brawl Stars.
The few students who were off campus when the laser struck have remained resolutely young and continue to go galavanting around campus at very reasonable hours for college students, such as 10:30 p.m. However, these relatively infantile students have been met with a resounding “get off my lawn!” At any hour past 6 p.m. Additionally, the common spaces in on-campus housing have come to increasingly resemble old folks homes. You can find puzzles in Regester’s common rooms and STD cases are on the rise in Trimble. Furthermore, all of the on-campus dormitories have an unplaceable stench of funk upon first entrance. While the student body feels wiser indeed from this transformation, many have taken to reminiscing fondly about the “good ol’ days.” As many a Puget Sound student who idolized Aubrey Graham in their one-time youth puts it: “where the functions?!”