By Skye Sheehy
In the wake of Trump’s victory and subsequent flurry of executive orders, many marginalized communities are fearful of what the next four years will bring. In the midst of this, the sense-of-humor community is experiencing a different kind of fear. Humor is a valuable tool in coping with political horrors, but those of us who would normally crack jokes about what hypothetical atrocity Trump will sign for next are facing a unique challenge: the power of manifesting.
What would be a run-of-the-mill “wouldn’t it be crazy if this happened?” jest now holds a deeper, even metaphysical weight. According to the Earthbound store, manifesting is essentially speaking something into being, using the power of visualization and affirmation to make your dreams a reality. The Combat Zone consulted with local witches to clarify the logistics of this art. Manifesting can be used to persuade the universe to get your crush to notice you, to do well in a job interview, to get a good grade on a test; the possibilities you can conjure are limitless. (The only exception is manifesting someone’s death. Local witches and online sources were unanimous in this, and we agree; after all, if that did work, we probably wouldn’t have to write this article at all, or any regarding Trump for that matter.)
Aside from understanding how to manifest, it’s important to establish how not to speak anything negative into the world. Witch consultants are not eager to sort out any more incidents, like a plea for an active cuffing season that resulted in an arrest, or a One Direction reunion without specifying where they would be reuniting.
The consensus was that putting possibilities into writing should be avoided, so if one were to write hypothetical scenarios — like the implementation of sacrificing virgins for healthcare coverage, Trump announcing his quest to find the One Ring or genetic testosterone testing at Little League games — that would be ill-advised.
We at The Combat Zone would normally be dedicated to exploring all possibilities, like renaming Canada ‘Northier America,’ or training orcas to sink Chinese yachts, or increasing tariffs on vodka to debilitate Russian troops, or killing a bunch of chickens by force-feeding them ivermectin to cure their avian flu, but we want to proceed with the utmost caution in this tense climate, so we will refrain.
This is just one example of the impact Trump’s presidency has had on the freedom of the press. We hope to continue to provide authentic journalism without fear of bringing the wrath of the universe upon us.
Editor’s Note: Staff writer Skye Sheehy has not been seen or heard from since she submitted this article. When her dorm was searched, all of her electronics were wiped, with the exception of this article. We hope she’s okay!