The Combat Zone is intended as satirical work. The views and opinions expressed by the Combat Zone do not necessarily reflect those of the Puget Sound Trail, ASUPS, concerned parties or the University of Puget Sound.
By Ishaan Gollamudi
Aiming to get ahead of Trump’s agenda, officials at the University of Puget Sound announced in a campus-wide email on Thursday that they would be adopting a new policy on antisemitism to combat “its recent spread on college campuses,” following a similar move by Harvard in January. The policy itself, like Harvard’s new policy, was initially based on the International Holocaust Remembrance Alliance’s definition of antisemitism as “certain perception of Jews that may be expressed as hatred.” As such, the prelude of Puget Sound’s new policy reads as follows:
“Antisemitism is a certain perception of Jews that may be expressed as hatred, which in turn may manifest in myriad insidious ways. Explicit assertions that Jewish people, among other things, control the banks, weather, Hollywood, U.S. government, secret world government, secret-er world government and speed at which lobsters die, are blatantly antisemitic. However, antisemitism has crept across modern college campuses in a different form, disguised in fake vintage Carhartt, teach-ins and criticism of Israel. We understand that it is problematic to conflate Israel with Jewish identity. However, it is evident to us that all criticism of Israel is antisemitic, because why else would you criticize the only Jewish state?”
Under this new policy, the campus administration has instituted additional conduct rules the student body must abide by, partly summarized below:
“In the interests of fostering an inclusive, open-minded community of Logger learners, and to combat antisemitism head-on, we are now explicitly prohibiting any usage of the following terms: strip, bank, west, free, river, sea, displacement, watermelon, bomb, morality, children, human rights, Hamas, Gaza and Palestine. Usage of the word “genocide” will only be permitted if preceded by the words “Rwandan” or “Armenian,” and mention of a “two state solution” will only be allowed if speculating about the eventual fate of Greenland. Moreover, any usage of the colors red, white, green and black in close proximity to one another is similarly interdicted, whether on flags or outfits, and violators will be forcibly transferred to Gonzaga University. Some fits must stay in the closet.”
Inexplicably, the email continued, although by this point most students were waylaid by debilitating nausea at by the thought of attending Gonzaga:
“In addition, we will take a zero-tolerance stance on any mention of Israel. No reference to the state will be tolerated, nor will any reference to its geographic location, territorial boundaries, political leaders’ statements, budget allocations, defense systems or official military operations. Similarly, all maps that include the Middle East must be altered to align with the provided example, and the Israeli salad sold at the SUB will be known henceforth as ‘cubed vegetable surprise.’ We are cracking down on antisemitic discourse by outright eliminating any mention of Israel to begin with.”
Following widespread outrage around the broad labeling of all advocacy for Palestine as antisemitic, and rampant confusion at how a “zero-tolerance stance” on mentioning Israel was somehow anti-antisemitic, campus officials have since doubled down. At press time, student conduct rules now prohibit all speaking on campus, because “if you little shits can’t blindly accept censorship, you can’t be trusted to have a nuanced and informed discussion on anything, including antisemitism.”