So I’ve been having a bit of a crisis. There’s this guy I met last year who I always thought was really cool, and he’s also got the best fashion sense ever in my opinion. Everytime I talk to him I always get really excited, but I’ve been in a weird space of not actually being sure if I like him. I’ve never really liked any guys before, so I’m not sure if I actually like THIS guy, but I haven’t felt this way about someone before. The problem is that I don’t know if “this way” is romantic feelings, or if it’s just gender envy talking because I’ve been questioning my gender for the longest time. Whether it’s I wanna be WITH him or BE him, he’s hot. Help!
Sincerely, Probably Not Just A Girl™️
Dear Probably Not Just A Girl,
Oh yeah, I’ve felt this one. Jon from “Tick Tick … Boom!” the musical by Jonathan Larson … That’s still a doozy for me. The fact that the feelings you are feeling are foreign could be a sign — you said that you’ve been questioning your gender for a long time, so I assume you’ve experienced gender envy before. Ask yourself, what about this experience feels different to you? The fact that you like his fashion sense can point in the direction of a crush, or perhaps the desire to emulate him. Do you want to change aspects about yourself to become more like him? For example, would you want to dress in his style in order to present yourself in a way more like him? If you are actively trying to change yourself to mimic them (even subtly), that might mean you want to be him rather than be with him. When I’ve had a crush, I try to do things that get them to like me more, not things that’d make me become them (although when I was younger I pretended to like shitty bands just for the sake of a man’s ego … don’t do that). You could just admire his fits, but the excitement you have in talking with him definitely points to a crush. Do you want to get to know this person on a deeper level? Do you think about them often? Do you care about their opinion of you? Either way, I think you should go forth and continue to befriend this individual. I suspect that the more time you spend around this person, the clearer the answer will become. If you become flustered or nervous, or if your excitement never fades, even after a while, chances are you have a crush on a man. Good luck.
Alright. Me and this man (we will call him Burt) matched on Tinder last year and have been Snapchatting and sending Instagram Reels for like 4 months. Not much communication and have never hung out IRL but the vibes are there. Last night I told him I want to hook up and he responded weirdly, like he wanted to but said that it goes against his “morality” because I’m younger than him. He kept saying that he was tempted and wanted to but that he shouldn’t. Then proceeds to continue sending me sexy pictures and we are still talking. I don’t understand what the goal is or if he’s just playing games. All I want is to have sex lol no strings attached, but I don’t want to push it and I certainly don’t want to pursue if he isn’t interested. I just really can’t tell, like why is it okay to snap and rizz me up but you won’t actually get to the point because of “morals”??? Why so complicated. Please help lol I am just horny and tired of being confused.
Sincerely, Smooth Criminal
Dear Smooth Criminal,
Men. They love to play games — especially from the apps (insert eyeroll). Honestly, the same thing can be said about anyone. The thing about dating apps (excuse me as I get on my soapbox), is that people have to display their intentions for being on the app, whether that be for hookups, a life-partner or “just figuring it out.” The fact that people have to clearly display their intentions — when they might not even know what they want — rather than there being a standard socially constructed set of norms for courtship, leaves people a lot of room to do weird shit with no guidelines and zero social consequences. If someone is being unclear with you, take that as a sign of their unavailability. This guy does not seem to know what he wants and would rather you do all of the hard work for him. Is talking about his “morality” simply an excuse to just keep you on the hook without wanting to move on further? He could be afraid of intimacy but loves to be a flirt. Sigh. How big is this age gap? Like, if you’re both in your twenties — all’s fair game in my eyes.
He probably wants YOU to present him with the options for how to move forward because he does not have the emotional depth, or maybe even the care, to think through what he wants to do in this situation. You can either continue to let him string you along in this confusing and annoying way, or make something change. Here’s what I would do: acknowledge your mutual connection, say “Hey, I’ve enjoyed doing this with you,” etc., etc. Then, just tell him what you want. Tell him to throw his morals to the wind (but like maybe not in that extreme of a way). If he’s not worth your time he will continue to show that to you. If he can’t give you what you want right now, then let him go. Don’t let him waste any more of your time.