Trimble fauna: a dissection of on-campus specimens
By VONNIE KEATSGUTS
Ever sit in your nice apartment, sipping cognac, wondering what kind of rubes would live on campus past freshman year? Well, you’re not alone. Most people do. It makes little sense, on the surface. RCCs and uncomfortable dorm furniture, when you have other options? Are these people nuts? The answer to that question is a resounding yes.
As one of these dunces, allow me to take you on a wondrous tour of the safari that is our on-campus upperclassmen. Keep your hands and feet inside at all times, because, yes, it’s contagious. Today’s installment features Trimble Hall.
You know it, you love it, you’ve almost certainly never been or desired to be inside it. Trimble Hall is located about 2.4 feet from Wheelock Student Center. It is known for its “suite style living.” But you don’t give a damn about that: let’s get to who actually occupies it.
The Alpha Beta Theta Trimble Phis: Always found in packs, these are girls from the same sorority who sign up for a suite together. Daily, their whiteboard will feature descriptions of various Greek things no one else cares about, presumably in a desperate attempt to remind the rest of the hall that THEY HAVE FRIENDS THEY SWEAR.
The Level 85 Orcs: These kids range in variety from mildly to severely obsessed with World of Warcraft. To that end, they stay in their suite and play that shit from dusk to dawn. Generally harmless, they are completely asexual (like mules!), and sustain themselves via prolonged masturbation.
The Social Butterflies: Trimble’s dominant majority, they simply don’t like people all that much. They sign up for suites because, hell, it makes the trip to the S.U.B. shorter, and decreases the risk of being forced to interact.
The Gosh This Is Uncomfys: Ever talked with someone who only seemed about half there? Perhaps they were extremely quiet, rather socially awkward (more so than the average awkward Puget Sound student)? Yeah, book it: Trimble resident.
The SHIT HOUSING SIGN-UP WAS TODAY?!s: Title says it all.