Last Wednesday was the wonderful day everyone on campus had been buzzing about for a month now. That event, of course, was the Midnight Breakfast! After its triumphant return from an awkward hiatus last year, during which drunken debaucheries, public vomiting, fights, rampant orgies and the singing of Dispatch’s “The General” caused campus authorities to take away a beloved and cherished eating of breakfast food, for fear that this sacred and holy event was forever tarnished. They tentatively allowed it last semester, albeit with full-body screenings and breathalyzers, extra security staff and german shepherds, and apparently it seemed to go alright.
This year was going to be extra special, however, as Wednesday was also the midnight that acclaimed Washington State Initiative 502 was put into effect. Yeah. Legal weed, bros. This means that any adult in the state of Washington can just stroll up to a dispensary, casually throw down twenty on a dub, walk out, go home, roll it up into a blizzle and light dat, puffin’ and puffin’ til you pass out. It’s a good law. What it didn’t mean, however, was that you could walk onto campus right before midnight breakfast, and spark up dat blizzle outside the S.U.B. This was met with some confusion from students.
“Midnight breakfast sucks,” Robert, 19, a sophomore here at Puget Sound, said. Robert seems to be in the minority of students who aren’t overwhelmingly impressed and mind-blown at the fantastic array of fine foodstuffs Midnight Breakfast offers.
“The food sucks. I can have pancakes whenever I want anyway. And now you can’t drink there? At least I thought I could get blazed,” he said
Robert wasn’t the only student with the misconception that marijuana would be permitted for midnight breakfast. In fact, there seemed to be some heightened anticipation that the two events coinciding on the same day was intentional by the administration. Many students were already calling this Midnight Breakfast “The One That Won’t Totally Blow.”
“Wait…we can’t smoke first?” Mike, a senior and philosophy major, said. “But…the food sucks. I was hoping to get mad stoned and get my munchies on. Now though…those pancakes literally taste like sponges.”
In an interesting twist, campus officials did decide to lessen enforcement of their drug policy just for the night.
“Of course, we can’t go public with this,” one official said on condition of anonymity. “But…you know…Midnight Breakfast gets pretty crazy. So…we were thinking…what if we just turned the other way? A blind eye, so to speak.”
When asked if it was to respect the community of campus marijuana-users, to show solidarity with the rest of the state and the legalization movement or just as a special treat to students, he responded, “Nah. Not at all. Think about it. What happens when a ton of college students get plastered together? Drunken debaucheries, public vomiting, fights, rampant orgies and the singing of Dispatch’s “The General.” What happens when students get totally spaced on pot? Nothing. No movement, no speaking, no singing. Some thinking, but that’s to be expected. And a lot of eating. They’ll eat all that sucky food, and then just sit around. It’s like weed will do our job of subduing crowds for us. In fact, I-502 rules!”
There you have it. If there’s one thing that we can all agree on, it’s that Initiative 502 may have slightly improved Midnight Breakfast, for everyone, including security. And of course, the food sucks.
