Speculation rife over finals week library shenanigans; be on guard
By JEZABEL LIGHTLY
Campus is abuzz this week. Not over the end of a long and grueling semester, but rather over the prospect of another reading period in the library and the exhibitionist acts that accompany the 24 hour periods during which it remains open.
The nudists and streakers have been seen this month wiping down banisters and disinfecting several routes they plan to take through the library due to concerns over skin irritation and outbreaks of rashes. Several large drums have also been found hidden in various corners of the building, raising suspicions and fears of rain dancing. Reportedly, a faction within the main exhibitionist group is at odds with the majority over whether or not to wear masks. They call for “complete liberation” of the movement.
Another fringe group on campus, the pyromaniacs, have been conflicted this reading period because several of them are noted bibliophiles. “I just love books so much”, one member said who refused to be identified. “It’s really burning me on the inside.” The group was suspected earlier this year of lighting Club Rendezvous on fire, but has been relatively inactive since.
In an unusual turn of events, a group of animal sacrifice enthusiasts planning a pseudo-satanic ritual was caught earlier this week by an investigation into their online checked-out book history. It turned out to be only a few individuals; however, this discovery ignited a prompt investigation as to what the library had in its collection of books on animal sacrifice. Security has yet to release any results of the pending investigation.
Director of campus security, Rod Badman, alluded to the general library population being difficult to identify. “With so many wacked out people, you just don’t know who’s who. We get a lot of kids on hallucinogens, but it’s hard to tell them apart from the average sleep-deprived student.” He also alluded to therapists being stationed in Collins in order to help students with their mental breakdowns, being either school or fungi induced.
Everyone knows the hired security officers who patrol the library in the past have been minimal prevention at best. Traditionally, they’re considered more of a body with a pulse than a staunch defender of the heart of campus. This year, the contracted security services will have gone through a six-week program designed by Badman himself in order to deal with the student’s antics. “After this week, I might just apply for the Navy SEALS”, Jim Bacon, a hired guard, said.
Several student librarians have been released from employment after getting caught cuting sections out of psychological profiles of incestuous family members. and pasting them into books in the library’s meager self-help section. In other news, the school is reportedly expanding the Braille section of the library after an unexpected increase in demand.
However the story plays out, it’ll sure make for a novel week.