The United Nations yesterday issued an “extremely polite favor request” to North Korea, calling for them to “please stop being so mean, if that’s OK.”
The rebuke is the harshest yet from U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, who said that his organization was prepared to “kill them with kindness” if the need arises.
“Look, we’re pretty worthless,” Ki-moon confirmed, “so it became clear that instead of being all harsh and demanding, which never worked, we may as well try something else.”
Long mocked for its inability to enforce its decrees, the United Nations decided to rid itself of any remaining semblance of pride after Iranian leaders responded to its last ultimatum by printing out the text and using it as toilet paper. The new approach was developed by the American consultant and kindergarten teacher Annie Maine.
It is unclear exactly how North Korean leaders will respond to the unexpected new tactic. Calls to Pyongyang went unreturned, the voicemail claiming that Kim Jong-Un was busy shifting a mountain range with his mind into a shape more pleasing to him. Experts anticipate positive results.
“It should fix everything,” noted historian Albert Halen said. “Unenforceable requests might not seem like the best way to stop North Korea from pursuing nuclear weapons and open hostility with the West, but trust me, this brutal military regime that starves its own people in its endless pursuit of WMDs will be touched by the respectful tone of the U.N.’s statement.”
Ki-moon was pleased but puzzled with the agreeable response to his new plan. “I mean, we weren’t expecting much. No one even shows up to our meetings anymore. The last few communications we had with the U.S. was George Bush drunk-dialing us to shout obscenities and fax pictures of his ass. I guess being friendly pays off.”
Chinese and Cuban officials reported being “touched” at the kindness of the missive, and expressed hopefulness that they would soon receive similar ones. An anonymous Chinese source, a single tear rolling down his cheek, revealed that all their leaders ever wanted was a little bit of empathy and understanding. Speculation about a large-scale group hug at the next United Nations convention is already flying.
Maine, the mind behind the approach, said she modeled it after her approach towards her students. “We considered sending Kim Jong-Un to the principal’s office, but kindness always wins.” She added that President Obama will be required to put away his toys before naptime.