The Trail has become aware, through the release of declassified documents and one well-timed blowjob, of an initiative that the University has been undertaking for well over a decade. Titled “Project Anaphylaxis,” the initiative seeks to recruit as many allergy-ridden students to the University as possible. It seems that Puget Sound administrators sought to bring together allergy sufferers of all denominations, from real allergies like peanut and pollen to homeopathic “allergies” to pineapple and other stupid things. Senior Stefan Oretega was not surprised. “I knew like two people with allergies...

The United Nations yesterday issued an “extremely polite favor request” to North Korea, calling for them to “please stop being so mean, if that’s OK.” The rebuke is the harshest yet from U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, who said that his organization was prepared to “kill them with kindness” if the need arises. “Look, we’re pretty worthless,” Ki-moon confirmed, “so it became clear that instead of being all harsh and demanding, which never worked, we may as well try something else.” Long mocked for its inability to enforce its decrees,...

President Barack Obama’s publicity coordinator quit this week in a fit of rage, incensed that his ideas were not being put to use. Spiro Quayle, longtime publicist to the stars, joined the Obama team only a few weeks ago; the relationship didn’t last long. “I get there, and I’m like, ‘time to amp this up, guys.’ They were so stuck on safe, boring crap like showing the President playing basketball,” Quayle told The Trail. “Where’s the pizazz? I told them we needed to leak some shots of his dong, spice...

In a deviation from the kind of stories that we usually publish at The Combat Zone, we’ve decided to give you something completely ridiculous, the cold, hard, absolutely factual truth! No, but seriously. All true. Over the past several weeks, we here at The Trail have noticed a lot of confusion regarding the mysterious appearance of signs bearing Japanese names underneath the cherry trees outside of the S.U.B. Some letters merely question the purpose of the signs while others demand their immediate removal, with reasons ranging from a general aversion...

Puget Sound students and administrators were left puzzled and stunned after attending famed comedian Bill Cosby’s recent school-sponsored talk. “I mean, I don’t know what I was expecting, maybe a joke set of some sort,” junior Hannah Weitz said. “But that?” Events planner Jerry Garcia expressed a similar befuddlement. “What the s**t did I just watch?” Apparently, rather than following the school-approved script of knock-knock jokes and memories from Kids Say The Darndest Things, Cosby took the time to share with the audience his passion for haiku poetry and nude...

I write to you in protest of the insane ASUPS voting system here at Puget Sound. As a freshman, I was just recently introduced to the University and its elected student body. When I tried to vote for the officer candidates online, I found out something pretty interesting. Turns out our votes are weighed by class rank. That’s right: sophomore votes count more than freshman, etc. Seriously, do you guys even know that? Am I the only one who voted? I thought it was just coincidence that all the candidates...

We can all agree on some things: it sucks being tired late at night with loads of work left, everyone knows that. This is generally the case for me, as a biology and math double major. I’m not complaining, I know we’re all busy. But when I’m up trying to get work done, I usually turn to the library or some other secluded location, and I know many of you do as well. The problem is that I define  “work” differently than the majority of people. For me, it usually...

NASA scientists were stunned to discover that Curiosity, the new rover recently landed on Mars, made contact of a kind they never could have expected. “It was pretty much a typical post-landing rager,” Bill Ingall, one of the Curiosity team leaders, said. “A few guys doing blow off a hooker’s stomach rolls, that kind of thing, you know basic NASA stuff. I was showing this chick the landing footage again when I first saw it: a kind of black shape, right under the rover before it landed.” He called over...

On one shimmering, glorious summer night not long ago, this unworthy soul made the request of a lifetime, hoping against hope for an unlikely acquiescence. To my shock and ecstasy, I was informed that, indeed, Rodd Badman, Puget Sound’s Director of Security Services, would allow me to spend a day as his shadow. The following is the account of my time spent with Puget Sound’s Badman-est man. I was told to meet him at dawn, in the parking lot outside the Student Union Building. Heart aflutter, I made my way...

So here it comes. So close, finally, to the end of my freshman year. It’s been a hell of a ride: I didn’t really party, I got pretty good grades, and I think I touched a girl’s butt once without her even noticing. I’m beginning to gain some different perspectives. Wisdom, as they say, comes with experience. For the first time since I arrived at college, I feel comfortable hitting on freshman girls. It was weird at first. For the last two years, getting with freshmen has been a huge...

My name is Eric Gunderson, and I have a broken wrist. Why do I have a broken wrist? Because there is an epidemic problem at Puget Sound: walkers. Not zombies, but people who walk to classes. If you’re wondering why this is a problem, there’s a good chance you’re one of them. Just yesterday I was on my way to French, minding by own business, zipping recklessly past people on my board. This one lady was just dragging along, right in the middle of the goddamn sidewalk. It was too...

The day began like any other for senior Jerome Cohn. A few weeks ago, he woke up, crysterbated, then booted up his computer to check his email. To his shock and great joy, he had won the housing lottery. “I was so happy. I called my ma, I told her, I said, ‘WE DID IT, MA! I’M ON TOP OF THE WOOOOOOORRRRLLLDD.’” A senior taking an extra semester next year to finish his credits, Cohn’s class standing and a bit of good fortune had landed him the number-one position in...