Let’s make UPS the Portland of boards!
My name is Eric Gunderson, and I have a broken wrist. Why do I have a broken wrist? Because there is an epidemic problem at Puget Sound: walkers. Not zombies, but people who walk to classes. If you’re wondering why this is a problem, there’s a good chance you’re one of them.
Just yesterday I was on my way to French, minding by own business, zipping recklessly past people on my board. This one lady was just dragging along, right in the middle of the goddamn sidewalk.
It was too late to stop, so I rammed right into her. My wrist shattered on the fall. The bitch even had the balls to ask if I could call an ambulance for her.
Her cane was right next to her! She could have easily used it to poke the buttons on the emergency phone, but she was whining that hip was broken, just so I would do it for her. Some people!
I’ll just stop you there before you even mention that we should be wearing protection. I’ve never done it in any aspect of my life, and I sure as hell won’t be starting now. Wrist guards? Knee pads? Dental dams? Do you have any idea how stupid we would look? I mean, we board because we don’t care what people think.
So f*** you too, Son.
We will keep on boarding, and we’ll do it on our terms: Drunk, carrying heavy things, blindfolded, talking on the phone, naked —we bow to no man, woman or common sense.
Many of my fellow skateboarders, scooterers, and rollerbladers have encountered rude people on their way to class, trudging along on their own two feet, leaving no room on the path for us to be awesome. We will stand for this no longer.
Walkers and boarders have uneasily coexisted for years, striving to share the tiny concrete path of life. But we can’t continue this charade for any longer; we’ve been cheating on you with our sexy boards, and it’s time to make the divorce official.
Many of you have noticed that cities around the country are installing bike lanes in their roads, reserved for bikers, to allow them to impress us with their Lance Armstrong-esque skintight uniforms or sweet-ass organic messenger from Micronesia. Puget Sound has long considered itself a cutting-edge institution. The time has come to prove it. We want to see skate paths installed next to all sidewalks in and around UPS.
Here is your opportunity, Puget Sound: become the Portland of skateboards. This is the only way to make getting to class tolerable. It’s a shame it has to be this way, but sadly, some people are just douchebags.