Combat Zone

New ‘SEXPY’ now open

As Puget Sound’s new Wetlands publication is dominating many students’ imaginations, not a whole lot of attention has been given to another new and sexual addition to the campus community. Starting Monday, the new Sexual Expeditionary, or SEXPY for short, will open in the basement of Kilworth Chapel, for the enjoyment and pleasure for whomever enters.
Juniors Amanda Clammi and Rick Hardwell hope that the SEXPY will add positive contributions to sexual discussion and experimentation.
“I’d even go as far as to say that we will end up being more important than Wetlands itself,” said Clammi as she put the finishing layers of plastic on a dildo. “One of the services we offer is dildo restoration for those students who have experienced the inconvenience of a non-satisfying dildo. Can a magazine do that?”
Along with dildo restoration, students can also rent out equipment, ranging from a wide variety of beads and handcuffs to nipple clamps. Puget Sound-themed S&M apparel can also be purchased, including a full-leather version of Grizz the Logger.
Alongside rentals, the new SEXPY will offer a number of funny and sexually interesting activities that students can sign up for.
Orgies of varying size and type will be offered every weekend in a shed behind the Fieldhouse, while students can also schedule and attend sexual training sessions, including but not limited to “Butterfly F***-Swing Training,”  “When to Use Teeth” and “Just the Tip: A Look into Reversing Gender Roles”.
“While the training sessions are our contribution to the campus community, what we are really excited about is the sexual experiments that students can propose and conduct,” said Hardwell.
The experimentation program involves several empty dorm rooms that will function as rentable experiment areas for students and whatever direction their sexual proclivities go. “Better yet, we have rooms in each residence hall,” he continued, “so experimenters can gauge exactly which sex acts disturb people the most in a dormitory environment. It’s highly scientific.”
As of press time, a spokesperson for the campus administration declined to comment on the possibility of a lawsuit, claiming, “that dildo of mine isn’t going to grow itself.”