The Trail has become aware, through the release of declassified documents and one well-timed blowjob, of an initiative that the University has been undertaking for well over a decade.
Titled “Project Anaphylaxis,” the initiative seeks to recruit as many allergy-ridden students to the University as possible. It seems that Puget Sound administrators sought to bring together allergy sufferers of all denominations, from real allergies like peanut and pollen to homeopathic “allergies” to pineapple and other stupid things.
Senior Stefan Oretega was not surprised. “I knew like two people with allergies total in my life until I got here,” he said. “Everyone in this damn place is ‘suffering’ from something or other.”
Examination of the documents reveals the dual motivation of the bizarre tactic. One, it seems, the administration was desperate for a type of student to call its own. Apparently dissatisfied with being known as the “sorta decent liberal arts school in Western Washington with a shitload of scruffy plaid-wearing kids,” Puget Sound officials wanted something with more pizzazz. “I mean, we weren’t going to become the ‘smart kids school,’ or the ‘school with the super hot chicks,’” noted an anonymous, recently sexually satisfied administrator. “Why not try for something original, like ‘the school for socially awkward kids with allergies’?”
Indeed, it seems that the administration spent a few months floating the notion to test markets to gauge the reaction. Much to their shock, people thought that it was stupid as hell. “Whoops. I’ll tell ya, that one hurt,” continued the source, as he zipped up his pants. “No one liked the idea of ‘come to Puget Sound, we all carry epi-pens.’ We had to reevaluate a bit, but for now, we’re just stuck with a lot of nerds with allergies.”
As for what might be next, there is only speculation. Considerable examination of the freshman class leads this reporter to believe that the administration is trying for the “overly smug little awkward bastards you want to punch.” If that is indeed the case, The Trail applauds them for fulfilling their goals.