Combat Zone

Poetry and tragedy: Cosby bares all

Puget Sound students and administrators were left puzzled and stunned after attending famed comedian Bill Cosby’s recent school-sponsored talk.
“I mean, I don’t know what I was expecting, maybe a joke set of some sort,” junior Hannah Weitz said. “But that?”
Events planner Jerry Garcia expressed a similar befuddlement. “What the s**t did I just watch?”
Apparently, rather than following the school-approved script of knock-knock jokes and memories from Kids Say The Darndest Things, Cosby took the time to share with the audience his passion for haiku poetry and nude interpretive dance. The former, witnesses report, was merely average in quality, boring the audience to tears with at least a dozen verses about the changing seasons.
Questioned about why he spent a full half hour reciting his original haikus, Cosby issued a statement to The Trail, saying, “leaves fall with quickness, winter is upon us now, I’m friends with Oprah.”
Those present, though, would have taken several full days of poetry over what came next. Only recently were the students in the front row of the audience allowed to leave Tacoma General to speak with us, and even now they continue to be heavily medicated.
“I had to burn out my retinas with a hot butter knife afterwards. Honestly, you’d think I’d regret that, right? But I don’t. It was the only way to make the pictures in my brain stop,” sophomore Sarah Rissberger said.
Reports on the exact nature of the event are conflicting, but all agree that Cosby finished his poetry, much to the relief of the crowd, who expected the jokes or the talk or the something to start.
Immediately afterwards, piecing things together becomes more difficult, as many of the eyewitnesses fainted or became otherwise incapacitated. Moving over to the audio system, he began playing 90s British alt band Chumbawumba’s hit song “Tubthumper.”
Cosby then, it seems, proceeded to take off all of his clothes. What transpired afterwards has been difficult for our interviewees to describe fully. From what we understand, Cosby performed an acrobatic interpretive dance in naught but his birthday suit, shouting at intervals lines from The Cosby Show.
When contacted for comment, Cosby’s managment Sweat Pants Celebrities Inc., replied, “Mr. Cosby is constantly pushing the boundries of what American performance looks like. Both Mr. Cosby and our company proudly stand by the show and its content. Who are you to even question Mr. Cosby’s genius? Some unread rag of a college newpaper? Does your school even have a Journalism department?” Further comments, though issued, could not be reported, as this reporter’s notes after that point were obscured by tears.
School president Tonald Rhomas issued a sincere apology for the incident, promising free therapy and quick settlements to any resulting lawsuits. For the sake of the continued well-being of the student body, The Trail hopes that subsequent events will be planned with more care.