Combat Zone

President Obama’s publicist bares it all

President Barack Obama’s publicity coordinator quit this week in a fit of rage, incensed that his ideas were not being put to use. Spiro Quayle, longtime publicist to the stars, joined the Obama team only a few weeks ago; the relationship didn’t last long.
“I get there, and I’m like, ‘time to amp this up, guys.’ They were so stuck on safe, boring crap like showing the President playing basketball,” Quayle told The Trail. “Where’s the pizazz? I told them we needed to leak some shots of his dong, spice up his bad-boy image.”
Quayle has been in the business for over three decades. Michael Jackson, Michael Vick, Tiger Woods, Lindsay Lohan, Sarah Palin and dozens of other big names formerly employed him to coordinate their images.
“I’ve got more experience in this business than anyone. MJ dangling the baby, Lohan flashing the cooter, Woods going to town on white female America: I organized all those stunts,” Quayle claims. “If the Prez wasn’t willing to give America a little full frontal, at least take my next suggestion and hold Sasha and Malia by their feet over the White House balcony. The people love that shit.”
Quayle says he tried repeatedly to get his advice put into action, but the Obama team rebuffed him constantly. He has no idea what went wrong.
“The image of the dignified president just doesn’t command respect these days. A little danger is what the people want. I read on the Internet that Barack is a Kenyan Muslim; that sounded perfect! Honestly, I was stunned when he refused to be photographed in a turban and dashiki, standing triumphant over a lion he just killed with a spear.”
Sarah Palin, he says, was a politician who appreciated the value of his advice. Quayle worked with Palin shortly after she was brought on as John McCain’s vice presidential nominee several years ago.
“When I first got to her, she was politically moderate, an intelligent and respectable woman. In three weeks, I had her pull down her shirt, tone up the Alaskan accent, and generally become a caricature. Soon enough, we were working the ‘sexy librarian from Anchorage who hates women’s rights and might later act in an all-American porno, getting railed by Ronald Reagan whilst Phyllis Schalfly lectures about the sin of homosexuality in the foreground’ thing to perfection.”
Obama, though, was simply not as receptive to Quayle’s poignant PR advice, he claims. He wishes him the best, though he anticipates the administration will miss him dearly.
“Good luck to them, but they’re in trouble without me. I bet they won’t even leak that he’s involved in a dog fighting ring.