Combat Zone

Biology Dept. looks for new funds

Following the success of Dutch entrepreneur Bas Lansdorp, who has attempted to fund a permanent colony on Mars by turning the whole process into a reality television show, the University of Puget Sound’s science departments have turned their whole teaching philosophy upside down.
Lansdorp, who began his ascent to fame by selling shares in his wind-harnessing energy company, will raise six billion euros by following the “contestants”-turned-colonists through their training and eventual mission launch. His Facebook page has already attained 8,000 likes and the initial YouTube video advertising his plan has received more than 800,000 views. Nevertheless, his plan is stupid, and will inevitably fail.
The success of this miserably ill-conceived venture can be seen in attempts made by Puget Sound professors to gain additional funding by filming the exploits of Bio students and posting them on a YouTube channel. Reality television gains its success from the manipulation of and cruelty over people’s emotions and their mega-meltdowns, combined with the suspension of realizing they’re being filmed constantly.
“Biology students are actually really nice people,” said Jacquelyn Garner, 20, a Biology/Chemistry double major. “My lab partner and I aren’t like best friends, but we try to be supportive of each other. Bio labs can be really stressful, so we do our best to stay positive, considering what is at stake. Our grades are really important to us.”
So far, the YouTube channel has gained a total of 19 views of the six posted episodes, mainly because the professor who posted them, Freddy Ginseng, was trying to make it a thing. “I still think it can work,” Ginseng said. “I mean, I watch these things like once a day. That’s gotta count for something.”
Critics of the project have claimed that these thoughtful, kind-hearted science students are just not the material for viewing audiences. “No one wants to watch cooperation and trust,” said Mervin Gillywilly, commentator and TV critic for The Trail. “Frankly, it’s the most boring crap I’ve ever seen. Where’s the cheating babymommas? Where are the tears, the lies, the betrayal? This is the most unrealistic bullcrap I’ve ever sat through!”
Other setbacks have included the long time it takes for certain labs to be processed, usually accompanied by an extended waiting and relaxing period where the students bond and talk about relationships and mutual friends, as well as the delicateness and finesse it takes to perform titrations. In order to up the ante, Ginseng has considered engineering setbacks to make his show more realistic.
“It’s a simple case of independent and dependent variables. We just need to change the context of the experiment. So I’ve planted fake love letters from Garner’s boyfriend in her lab partner’s notebook, set the bunson burners 5 degrees higher, and put PCP in their thermoses,” Ginseng said. “800,000 views here we come!!!”
In real news, Lansdorp’s crew has begun training. All eight of the individuals, from five countries across three continents, are all highly capable and physically fit, as well as proficient in their assigned tasks, patient, professional and above all honest, nice people. At this rate, we’re never getting to Mars.