By LYDIA COCCIOLONE and MAX SWENSON
Before we begin, we just want to state for the record that we are not complicit. K, thx!
Tensions are high following the recent Ed Sheeran controversy stemming from his September concert in New Jersey. At the show, Seattle-native rapper Macklemore (“Yeah, I’m from Seattle. There’s hella Honda Civics.” White Walls, 2012) declared, “Free Palestine, I say Free Lebanon, I say Free Cuba, I say Free Congo, Free Sudan, I say Free all people in America living in fear of this terrorist organisation, ICE. None of us will be free until we are all free.” Ed felt Macklemore wasn’t preaching “love, hope and unity” like he so passionately does, so the Seattleite was dropped from the tour. And thus, everyone’s least favorite ginger took himself even lower from the bottom of the world’s top 1,000 celebrities: now only appearing in the Walgreens-exclusive print version of the list at number 8,236.
While the scandal’s reach is international, there are real local impacts for the Sheerios in our communities. Luckily, The Trail’s two bravest journalists rose to the occasion and went into the field to see the devastation for themselves. We met with our top-secret Ed Sheeran fan sources (and they are NOT us) who gave us inside information about the underground Ed scene on campus. One student we spoke with — under the condition of complete anonymity — described conditions on campus. “When I see other Sheerios around campus, I have to look away immediately and walk right by them. I’ve lost real friendships purely out of self-preservation.” Another fan spoke through her tears, saying, “I had to completely abandon the foundation of my upcoming Ed-Sheeran-themed birthday party.” Driven underground, these fans have resorted to anonymous messaging through Fizz to coordinate illicit meetings in the tunnels underneath campus. “It’s so dark. Did you know there aren’t any light switches down there? We have to find each other through echolocation.” When pressed for further details, they explained, “We play ‘Shape of You’ at maximum volume on our speakers over and over until we converge.”
Sheeran fans in math classes at Puget Sound report spikes of anxiety and dread every time they encounter a mathematical symbol. Faculty in the math department are bewildered. “I’ve never had a student burst into tears at the sight of a simple addition problem before. It was in linear algebra.” Another described an incident where one of their students shrieked in class after getting handed back an exam with a 100% score and “perfect” written at the top. “Something about a Beyoncé remix? I don’t know what is up with these Gen Z kids.” Math professors have cancelled class a record-breaking number of times this semester. Additionally, our two Ed Sheeran Endowment Fund Scholars have been completely abandoned by Ed and his team after he sent them a notes app screenshot saying he “doesn’t do any public donations anymore” because he “doesn’t want to be political.” The two students, now facing a mountain of student debt, have chosen to leave no comment.
We reached out to a few brave students in the Ed Sheeran School of Public Relations at Pacific Lutheran University who, thankfully, had plenty to say about this new development. One graduating senior stated that the job search has been impossible, especially since the program only allows resumes to be printed on fluorescent orange paper. Another expressed his anguish about the job market, saying that he hasn’t landed a single interview since the department lost its accreditation. “I can’t believe I poured all those hours into PR 301 (Notes App Theory) for nothing. I spent $250 on the VHL ‘Bye Sister: Apologies in Every Language’ textbook and I’ll never get that money back!” An anonymous student that we spoke to has gotten lost in the transfer portal, claiming that numerous other universities have SafeSearch on for keywords including: Sheeran, Ed, ginger, mathematics, and orange. We were not able to verify those claims, and we wouldn’t know anything about it. Obviously.
We reached out to Puget Sound’s Ginger Student Union (GSU) for comment. Club president Mozea Havens (‘27) stated, “I always thought he was blonde. Is that just me?” Regardless of his true hair color, other members have felt the Sheeran-shockwaves deeply. Treasurer Avery Keith (‘27) recalled the shame he felt when local superstar hairstylist @lydia.tames.the.mane had to cut his hair in her basement. “I showed up at the normal spot on her back porch, and she just silently pointed inside.” Additionally, GSU member Skye Sheehy (‘28) described their increasing discomfort in thrift stores. “I only had 20 dollars in my pocket; I was just gonna pop some tags, and I walk in, and everyone is glaring at me and whispering secretively. Maybe they thought I was him because we’re the same height and I was rapping in a British accent. Beats me.” I turned to walk away but they continued: “Anyway, so picture this: I was at the moped store, the salesman was like, ‘what’s up, what’s your budget?’ I was like, ‘Honestly, I don’t know nothing about mopeds,’ and then he stood up, started barking like a dog, and ordered me to leave. That is NOT my usual experience at moped dealerships.” Most recently, all 12 members of the club were seen around campus with freshly dyed hair. “It’s auburn,” GSU member Amelia Stiles (‘27) boldly declared.
Finally, we’re left with one thing remaining to ponder: Is it ethical to listen to the naturally-pink-haired Adéla after fellow-popstar P!nk called for Macklemore to be cancelled and penned a 1300-word essay about how we should really be thinking about 9/11 instead?