By Jayli Helekahi
With Halloween fast approaching, eerie and strange creatures have already been seen. Speculation about a cult brewing grows stronger as strange individuals are spotted at multiple thrift stores. Said individuals dress themselves in similarly baggy clothes with identical red cloaks covering their faces. On the back of each one, a name is written in bold letters: “DEPOP.” These mysterious people call themselves “resellers” and are proving to cause disruption to the community.
Thrift store owners find their racks raided and ransacked by resellers, leaving nothing left for anyone else, and disdain for these resellers is growing by the minute. “I can’t drop $50 on a pair of jeans, so I go thrifting. Now, I can’t even walk down the jeans aisle without a reseller drooling down my neck,” said Anne, a die-hard thrifter for many years who is now thinking of stopping.
“They’re freaks, I swear. I found an Ed Hardy shirt and this dude attacked me! The shirt wasn’t even cute; it had white stains everywhere.”
Resellers mostly congregate in something called “the bins.” It’s uncharted territory, with critters and roaches roaming the mountainous mounds of clothing. Customers report seeing resellers eat the roaches they find as fuel, letting the soul of a bin critter guide them to their next find. Doctors have diagnosed resellers with a bad case of kleptomania, as they are unable to keep their hands to themselves. Shoppers are warned to watch their cart, especially if in the vicinity of a reseller. “You may look away for a second and then turn back to see half of your cart empty,” said Paul, a frequent victim of cart-snatchers. It can happen in the blink of an eye; resellers are known for their sticky hands. Workers try hard to prevent these incidents, but they can only do so much. Sadly, trusting staff can backfire. Resellers are getting smarter and are being suspected of working undercover as employees to get better access to items.
Suspicions of our thrift stores being infiltrated grow each day, shoppers are unsure who to trust or not. One anonymous tip came from a local Tacoma resident, detailing the inside scoop on the Depop cult. “They sacrifice their finds to their leader, Wisdom Kaye.” Wisdom has made headlines around the world, his various appearances on red carpets and runways hypnotizing all those who watch. A subgroup of resellers has been recognized by local investigators, and they call themselves “t-shirt bros.” They travel in groups, chanting words like “the grail” as they terrorize people in the streets. They claim Wisdom Kaye has an affinity for single-stitch vintage tees, and there is little they won’t do to obtain them. Dislike for resellers grows as they continue to pillage thrift stores, and more people grow wary of Depop. Outrage has broken out, and the demand for the eradication of Depop continues. On the other hand, resellers are successfully converting people into their group, and their numbers are growing by the day. Officials are trying to cater to the demands of thrift shoppers, but maybe the infatuation with Depop has grown too big for us to handle. One thing’s for sure – no thrift shop is safe.