As you can probably tell, we’re pretty excited here at The Flail for what promises to be the Best Finals Week Ever. Finals week is not only a prime opportunity to demonstrate the much-sought after ability to put 25-page papers off until the last minute, it’s also a perfect time for pranks, like hiding your roommate’s final project in the Chamber of Secrets in the women’s bathroom of Howarth. He really shouldn’t have eaten your cheese puffs that one time. The university has long since given up using finals week...

In a stroke of marketing genius, Dodger Blatheramm, Head of Public Relations, decided to relocate the Point Defiance Zoo Exhibit to the Music Building in order “to bring attention to the wildly diverse student body we have here on campus” and “to really show students that we’re committed to ‘Living Green.’ What’s more green than letting the flora and fauna we borrowed from the zoo have a new life in the practice rooms?” Not all are very pleased about the changes. Director of bands Marshal Gard was heard to have...

Tardy Marks was a promising young candidate for a partnership at Marks & Martians, her brother-in-law’s company, which has earned considerable renown for its dedication to “Eating A Lot of Cake.” In fact, Judge Smithers was heard to comment, “Marks & Martians Yeeeeee! I love those dudes! Every time they come in for a pre-hearing briefing it’s like Cake Day in Court. I can practically smell the frosting from my office window.” Now back to Marks. After earning a degree in law through Puget Sound’s now-defunct law program, she went...

The time has come to profile the senior theses of the Class of 2014. The reason that this article is being printed now, as opposed to January, February or March when the theses should have been completed, is because most seniors (by the time Spring semester rolls around, at least) turn into cagey little boogers more worried about fulfilling the necessary amount of appearances at Machoo-choo’s on Thursday nights, reviving their non-existent careers... And of course, where the hell do we stuff Aunt Sharon so she doesn’t get out during...

Ahhhhh...it has begun. Or, in the words of eminent philosopher and scholar J. Franco, “Spring break, spring break, spring break forevahhh....” Most agree that what happens over spring break stays there, and so in anticipation of your post-break closed-mouthedness, we at The Flail have decided to interview the few of us that are actually leaving Tacoma to get their story before the evidence disappears from Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, texts from Mom and university webmail accounts (we don’t actually know why you’d bother with Outlook Express over Spring Break; we’re just...

Warning: #hashtag hex still in effect! The following hashies have been declared as UNSAFE for user consumption, prevarication, distillation, penetration:   #sciencefail - results in some form of atomic warfare. There really is no cure for the bomb. Goddammit.   #stonecoldsteveawesome - Your 1 tru fren. = ^_______________^ = May raid your linguistic closet for spare punctuation and f**k with the language settings on your laptop and phone so that everything is in Japanese.   #preach - gets you some bitchass butthead who follows you around for a week straight...

Lemmings, lemmings, lemmings. We have quite a predicament on our hands, and y'alls have been making shit worse for long enough. Let's talk about hashtags. Once upon a time, these small, free-spirited epiphenomz frolicked upon the bonny banks of octothorpe-land and took bubble baths in the backwaters of linguistic cognizance but because of YOU ASSHOLES and your nasty twitty-twanking Facebookery these lovely, endangered creatures are free no more, bound instead to a lifetime of punctuating your shittyass "ironic" statuses and Instagrams that no one gives a flying f**k about. And...

We at The Flail are getting all Christmassy up in this s***hole, but by unanimous decision we have decided that we need more DA WURST TA TREE in our holidays because, let’s face it folks, Christmas sucks. The people whose doors you banged on throughout Halloween night won’t look at you twice; nobody is feeling even the slightest bit generous (although they will give you the right to get the f*** out the way); and the only reason you have the obligatory large family dinner is to renew the unspoken...

SPO TRIP: Are you a Super Punny Outdoorsperson? Well then beefcakes have we got a trip for you. Wanna guess where we’re headed? CAPSLOCK MOUNTAIN CAPSLOCK MOUNTAIN ALL ABOARD FOR CAPSLOCK MOUNTAIN! BE AT THE TROLLFACE RAGESTATION AT 5:45 A.M. SHARP BECAUSE WE’RE GETTING OUT OF HERE LIKE EXCLAMOBANGS ON HOT CHEESE.   LOVENOTE FROM STUDENT’S POCKET: Hey ! You’re...uh...crap. I want to your face? This is probably not the best way to contact you. I hope this doesn’t end up on the Internet.   ALLITERATION CLUB: We’re wnot wmeeting...

For those of us from the states with actual weather, falls in Washington are the Eeyores of what is otherwise a merry albeit blustery college adventure in the Hundred Acre Woods: there’s a lot of raining, there’s a lot of crying, there’s a lot of pooping and everything in your house breaks. But what you don’t know about is Washington’s long-standing tradition of the Hunt, one of this fine state’s many ways to combat the winter blues, the death of the sun and the annual influx of dumbasses into the...