Combat Zone


Warning: #hashtag hex still in effect! The following hashies have been declared as UNSAFE for user consumption, prevarication, distillation, penetration:


#sciencefail – results in some form of atomic warfare. There really is no cure for the bomb. Goddammit.


#stonecoldsteveawesome – Your 1 tru fren. = ^_______________^ = May raid your linguistic closet for spare punctuation and f**k with the language settings on your laptop and phone so that everything is in Japanese.


#preach – gets you some bitchass butthead who follows you around for a week straight shouting about how you haven’t done laundry this week, you’re never getting anywhere in life, you don’t have a job, stop doing so many drugs, what do you mean you’re moving to L.A. you can’t act!? — and other similarly hazardous triggers of existential angst. Just say no to proselytization.


#thecombatzone – all members of da Zone (and of The Flail, for that matter) will show up at your bedside at 3 a.m. with a pair of flashlights, shine em right in your face, yell, “TRUCK!” and then run away, cackling madly as you sob into your Lego sheets. SUCKS TO SUCK BITCHEZ!!


#slapcam – who the f**k ever thought this would be a good hashtag??! You’re not a VineStar; stop beating on people! Except for your friends. Always beat on your friends. WHO WANTSTA PILLOW FIGHT???


#verniciousknid – Level 5 safety hazard. Feral. Forever vicious, sometimes tenacious, occasionally viscous.


#yoloono – you only live once, but before you die you manage to break up the best band ever and steal all their royalty rights. This is something on which all humans can agree.


#mrbuttfist – does this one really need an explanation


Advisement: the following #hashtags have been declared as SAFE for etc. etc. cetmera xtera pterodactyl:


#metronome – gets you a metronome. U BETTER B PRACTISINGZ

#timemanagement – you get an analog watch, 1 (legal) oz. of wishful thinking, and the benefit of hindsight. Sounds like my average Sunday night.


#stonecoldsteveawesome – Your 1 tru fren. = ^_______________^ = Just give him some snacks.


#thecombatzone – then again, this might be the best nightmare of your life. Some of y’alls be sick motherf**kers.


***not a good enough reason: for using the word “penetration”. Prepare to be pitch slapped.


Color commentary: As evidenced above, the number of “unsafe” hashtags outweighs the number of “safe” hashtags, so looks like there’s no practical or good reason to use them. Like, ever.


Wanted: Senior thesis. Must be abt. the evolving role of gender in quantum physics classrooms from the pedagogical perspective of a tone-deaf sea urchin. Inquire within.


Free to a good home: my roommate. His hairstyle sucks, his breath smells, and HIS MAMMA DRESSES HIM FUNNY!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


Free to a bad home: my roommate. (Same advertiser as above). He doesn’t have to go to a good home. He can also go to an apartment, liquor store, dog carrier, etc. He fits into a Medium Priority Mail box and shipped anywhere in the US. (Additional charges apply).



Seeking: beta-reader for erotic Doctor Who/Sherlock/Supernatural fan-fic. Must ship Winjohnlockcestial. And Matt Smith.


Now on T.V.: You’ll never find out who the Yellow King is.


T.V. on the Radio: SaY sAy mAH PLAAAYMATE, wOn’T u lAy WASTe to Me? #querewulfen


Ads (personal): (F 4 F). But rily thoz. Where all the women at?


Ads (unconditional): With this Reeses peanut butter cup and this locally processed microbrew, I do thee bruh. BRUHZ 4 LIFE! SHRED THE GNAR!