Combat Zone

Security attempts tough love approach

In a heartbreaking scandal that has rocked and shocked the student body at the University of Puget Sound, investigators have uncovered an immense conspiracy that may go all the way up to President Tomald Rhombus himself.

Security officials have been charged in a citizen’s write-up, accused of conspiracy, a string of thefts, tampering with evidence and maybe even treason. Apparently, what began as a sting operation to break up a local gang of bike thieves went way too far, ending in campus security taking illegal and, frankly, stupid actions to ensure the safety of bikers here at Puget Sound.

“No one was supposed to get hurt, I swear,” security official Jesus Lannister said. Lannister is being held for the thefts of 11 bicycles, as well as damaging the locking apparatuses used to keep the bikes secured. “But, when these students just leave their bikes locked with those pathetic cable locks, you just, you just get overwhelmed. Frustrated. I mean, we try so damn hard to keep everyone safe and feeling secure, and then they go and just leave their expensive-ass Schwinns like fabled pies on an allegorical windowsill! I guess we just wanted to teach them a lesson.”

Since January, security guards have broken the locks of an estimated 90 bicycles, hiding the bikes in various abandoned classrooms in Howarth Hall. The purpose of this strange string of thefts was to hammer in the lesson that bicycles are targets of actual thieves, and that weak-ass cable locks aren’t nearly enough. Despite the highly publicized Security Report that appears on the front page of The Trail in 48 point font, students are apparently still not aware that U-Bolts are the only locks effective at dissuading potential thieves, and that the front tire can be removed, so all locks should be secure around the frame. After years of Sisyphusian effort, security decided to use desperate measures to get their point across.

“We were going to give back the bikes eventually,” Lannister said. “At least at first. But the power. The power, I tell you! So sweet and delicious! Knowing these foolish, naive students don’t suspect a thing from security! YOU’RE MOM’S NOT HERE TO LOCK YOUR BIKE AND FIGHT YOUR BATTLES, JOHNNY AND SUZY FRESHMEN!!! IT’S A COLD, CRUEL WORLD, AND ONLY I CAN TEACH YOU HOW TO SURVIVE! ONLY I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO TRULY LOVE YOU!”

The thefts escalated throughout March, during which time security officials directed by Lannister took blow torches to U-Bolts, and sometimes even upended entire bike racks. They stole Treks, Schwinns, BMX bikes, RAZR scooters and even one dude’s longboard. But the corruption didn’t stop there. Since April, security guards have allegedly hotboxed the basement lounge in Seward so they could communicate to the entire floor to “teach them the dangers of peer pressure,” as well as towing cars into the staff parking lot to convey the lesson of reading street signs and following official directions.

In perhaps the most egregious instance of consquence-based teaching, at least 15 security guards have fathered and mothered children with various freshmen in an attempt to teach the importance of safe sex.

“You just got get so caught up in it,” said guard Jane Austin as she nursed her 11-month-old. “And I like to think we made a difference.”

This effort now seems to have been halted, but reports of rogue guards continuing to committ such acts remain unconfirmed.