Combat Zone

It has been made official: actor Clint Eastwood has accepted an invitation from President Ronald Thomas to address a panel of chairs right here at Puget Sound. Eastwood, 82, accepted the invitation after receiving numerous complaints from chairs all over the country concerning his speech at the Republican National Convention in Florida three weeks ago. The outraged chairs claimed that Eastwood treated the chair representative at the RNC unfairly, accusing Eastwood of slander, mud-slinging and consistent interruption of the chair when asked a question. Chairs around the country were shocked...

So here it comes. So close, finally, to the end of my freshman year. It’s been a hell of a ride: I didn’t really party, I got pretty good grades, and I think I touched a girl’s butt once without her even noticing. I’m beginning to gain some different perspectives. Wisdom, as they say, comes with experience. For the first time since I arrived at college, I feel comfortable hitting on freshman girls. It was weird at first. For the last two years, getting with freshmen has been a huge...

Students may feel pressured to complete papers well and quickly, and with the accessibility of new technology (the internet) students can plagiarize by copying and pasting information from other sources. This is easily detected by teachers for several reasons. First, students' choices of sources are frequently unoriginal; instructors may receive the same passage copied from a popular source from several students. Second, it is often easy to tell whether a student used his or her own "voice." Third, students may choose sources which are inappropriate, inaccurate or off-topic. Murray is...

Hey guys, it’s your favorite stoner, Pearl “Necklace” Knuckleson, wishing you a wickedly green 4/20, or as I like to call it, Stoner Ramadan. Ramadan. Ramamamamadan. Such a cool word. Where was I? Oh yeah, 4/20! Since the beginning of time, this holiday has been the source of much celebration. But you might be pondering: What should we, The United Stoners of Hash and Kief, be smoking in remembrance of? The answer, my legion of tokers, is limitless. Whoa, I think I just blew my own mind. Liberal arts, man....

S h o w e r   B r o w n COMING IN FALL 2012! What is ShowerBrown? Modeled after PrintGreen, the Library’s most successful program since Citrix Xen App, ShowerBrown is an exciting new way to manage shower time and save money for Trustee Galas promote sustainability on campus. How will ShowerBrown work? Each student will be allocated 400 “shower credits” of water per semester. A “shower” is defined as forty-five seconds of sixty-five degree water, so if you were to wet both ventral and dorsal regions of...

Everyone goes to the S.U.B. Though its selection inevitably wears thin, it’s the most convenient way to get your hands on tasty burgers, fresh salads and moral corruption. Wait, what? Last week, the S.U.B.’s threat to the moral character of Puget Sound students became clear. Nigel Bixby, Editor-in-Chief of the sexually repressive Drylands magazine, called on Dining and Conference Services to pull bananas from the menu, citing their “immense potential for obscene expression.” According to Bixby and the members of Drylands, bananas are too useful as a penis proxy. “These...

It’s that time of year again! No, not that time, the other one. Yeah, the registration one. What do you mean, you don’t care?!? Whoop-de-s*** if you’re a senior, there are other people on this campus too! Whatever. Here’s a look at some classes next fall. CONN375-Jersey Shore Genealogy This Connections core class is guaranteed to take your love of reality television and turn it into outright loathing. Students will do in-depth research on the immigration history of Italians in America but also on their genealogy. Projects for the semester...

The very young men and women of Puquanashville, Washington are celebrating a key victory in the nationwide push for children’s suffrage. With the passage of H.R. 3575, children aged 4 to 12 were granted the right to vote. Bobby Monaghan, who submitted the bill, in crayon, to the city legislature, was so overwhelmed by the victory that he couldn’t even make a comment. Instead, he conducted a brief press conference from behind his mother’s skirt. Michelle Monaghan, his mother, relayed the boy’s joy at the liberation of his people. “Bobby...

As Puget Sound’s new Wetlands publication is dominating many students’ imaginations, not a whole lot of attention has been given to another new and sexual addition to the campus community. Starting Monday, the new Sexual Expeditionary, or SEXPY for short, will open in the basement of Kilworth Chapel, for the enjoyment and pleasure for whomever enters. Juniors Amanda Clammi and Rick Hardwell hope that the SEXPY will add positive contributions to sexual discussion and experimentation. “I’d even go as far as to say that we will end up being more...