For reasons that have only just surfaced, three agents of the Drug Enforcement Administration have stepped down on the grounds that they have become pacifists. The announcement came just days after the DEA raided a medical marijuana dispensary in the state capital, Olympia.
The agents were supposed to have raided the dispensaries and then burn down the buildings, but due to a typo on the agents’ issued briefing, the agents were instructed to “raid the dispensaries and confiscate any and all marijuana plants and paraphernalia. Burn in the buildings.”
The agents, who did not question their instructions, took the briefing literally and, after conversing with a student from Evergreen State College, proceeded to smoke the marijuana with the student and the two dispensary employees present at the time of the raid.
“Obviously we were freaking out because they were, like, the Feds, you know? But then they were like, ‘Let’s smoke,’ and then we were like, ‘Uhhh,’ and they were all, ‘No, really, it’s cool it’s, like, official HBO business or whatever,’ and we were like, ‘Hell yeah, spark it up, man!’ I’m sorry, what was the question?” Maury John, one of the dispensary workers, commented.
After the brief smoke session, the agents returned to DEA headquarters and turned in their badges for a life of peace.
“I was just sitting there, high as a mo’fo,” former agent Carl Radcliffe recalled, “and it just occurred to me: This is some good shit! I’ve been fighting for the wrong side! We’re spending millions of dollars a year on a plant that discourages violence? I don’t want to draw my gun over kids pretending to have ‘knee injuries’ or ‘glaucoma’! I’d rather watch Doctor Who or sync up The Wizard of Oz with Dark Side of the Moon! Have you seen that?!”
“Yeah, me, Radcliffe, and [former agent Rick] Barnstein were pretty sure at the time that [DEA head Michele] Leonhart made an error, but we were still pretty pissed at her for not admitting that crack and heroin were worse for you than weed. I mean really? We smoked and ate Doritos. And fruit snacks. And Nutella straight from the jar. Damn,” former agent Chris Hammer added.
The former agents have more peaceful plans in mind for their future. Agent Hammer plans to open a co-op for underprivileged environmentalists; Radcliffe intends to travel the world in search of the perfect drum circle. Barnstein, who felt inspired to start up his old band that he’s positive will make it big, has been missing since last week’s “Keep Calm” benefit in Seattle.
I’ve just received word that the agents have since been replaced, and the dispensary has, in fact, been burned to the ground. Crime scene investigators found no evidence of federal involvement, save for a single joint and a half-finished bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.
