It’s no secret that the world is hot as balls and is steadily getting hotter as ballser. Polar bears are pissed off, Priuses are getting uglier every year and somewhere Al Gore is sitting in a candlelit room on a romantic date with his Nobel Peace Prize. What’s causing this plethora of what-the-hellery? I’m talking, of course, about the greatest plague to our planet since Nickelback’s debut album: (cue ‘50s horror movie music) GLOBAL WARMING! That’s right, the sun’s slowly eating our planet like a reluctant fat kid eating his...

Newly elected ASUPS president “Slick” Ricky Radelli has been outed as having laundered money to fund a political action committee, or PAC, to campaign before the elections took place. The PAC itself did little to help Radelli’s rise to office, as there were still fewer than 20 votes cast, most of which contained false write-in names such as “Seymour Butts” and “Megan Fox’s Thumbs.” Radelli won the election by a mere three votes, two of which were cast by Radelli’s opponents, Felix Dürtitrauser and Sally Soreass. “By nature, the Soreasses...

For reasons that have only just surfaced, three agents of the Drug Enforcement Administration have stepped down on the grounds that they have become pacifists. The announcement came just days after the DEA raided a medical marijuana dispensary in the state capital, Olympia. The agents were supposed to have raided the dispensaries and then burn down the buildings, but due to a typo on the agents’ issued briefing, the agents were instructed to “raid the dispensaries and confiscate any and all marijuana plants and paraphernalia. Burn in the buildings.” The...

The streets of Seattle were anything but calm during Saturday’s “Keep Calm” street fair downtown. The benefit, meant to raise money for the city’s public education fund by selling those annoying “Keep Calm and—” posters, turned gruesome after fair-goers became so calm that many of them forgot to breathe and died of oxygen deprivation. The seemingly random collapse of twelve people sparked an immense panic among some in the crowd. However, due to the influence of the “Keep Calm” posters, many people simply refused to move and were either killed...

I think, therefore I am. It is a well-known philosophical concept that will have any douchebag philosophy major prattling on about how much Philosophy 101 changed his life freshman year. (He will then ring you up, and you can leave McDonald’s in peace). Unfortunately, it would appear that this basic philosophy lesson is suspected as the cause for the recent disappearance of a Puget Sound philosophy student. During the first week of classes, freshman Marty Willbury was reported missing after Professor Paul Loeb informed Willbury that he wasn’t thinking clearly...

It’s everyone’s favorite scent, and soon it’s going to be available in a department store near you! I’m talking, of course, about the sweet, chemical breeze that warms lungs all around the Greater Tacoma area: the Tacoma Aroma. Students and T-Locs alike agree that there is nothing quite like stepping outside on a cool, misty autumn morning and taking a deep breath of sulfur and ammonium zirconium plutonium paper pulp. That’s why former paper-millers-turned-entrepreneurs, Chuck Gastro and Ralph Hurley have teamed up to capture the beauty of this scent in...

It has been made official: actor Clint Eastwood has accepted an invitation from President Ronald Thomas to address a panel of chairs right here at Puget Sound. Eastwood, 82, accepted the invitation after receiving numerous complaints from chairs all over the country concerning his speech at the Republican National Convention in Florida three weeks ago. The outraged chairs claimed that Eastwood treated the chair representative at the RNC unfairly, accusing Eastwood of slander, mud-slinging and consistent interruption of the chair when asked a question. Chairs around the country were shocked...