Combat Zone

Student ceases to exist after not thinking

I think, therefore I am. It is a well-known philosophical concept that will have any douchebag philosophy major prattling on about how much Philosophy 101 changed his life freshman year. (He will then ring you up, and you can leave McDonald’s in peace). Unfortunately, it would appear that this basic philosophy lesson is suspected as the cause for the recent disappearance of a Puget Sound philosophy student. During the first week of classes, freshman Marty Willbury was reported missing after Professor Paul Loeb informed Willbury that he wasn’t thinking clearly enough to justify an argument in class. Witnesses in the class reported that, after nodding his head in response to Loeb’s criticism, Willbury simply vanished into thin air.
“The thing people need to realize,” Goodman Birkenstock, a classmate of Willbury’s, said, “is that Paul Loeb is never wrong.”
“It’s true,” Loeb clarified. “You know the most interesting man in the world? I gave him his first beer.”
Since the disappearance, the Counseling, Health and Wellness Services center has been flooded with students on the verge of existential crises, many fearing that if they return to class, they might not come out alive…or not alive…I’m not really sure.
One guidance counselor reported that a few students “came in with bruises, complaining of a need to take adderall, or have their friends ‘sock the shit’ out of them in order to keep their thought process up and running, lest they face existential backlash. I understand the need to fill a void in a young person’s life, but I don’t think—” The counselor could not be reached for further elaboration, as she has ceased to exist.
I’m starting to panic here.
Is it warm? It’s a little warm. I think.
No, no, stay calm, Mel, breath through the mouth. This can’t be true. There has to be a logical explanation for this. Kidnapping. Yeah, that’s it! Colombian drug lords kidnapped Willbury. It wasn’t Loeb! There’s no way that Descartes’ conclusion is right, anyway. It’s radical! There’s no way existence is solely based on thought…. Right? Here, I’ll just take some adderall. That should do the trick.
Phew! Breath. You know you exist. It’s not based on thought, there’s no way.
So, for those of you on the verge of an existential crisis, fear not Loeb, Descartes, or philosophy. You have nothing to fear but Colombian drug lords. It’s okay, though. I don’t actually think—