The streets of Seattle were anything but calm during Saturday’s “Keep Calm” street fair downtown. The benefit, meant to raise money for the city’s public education fund by selling those annoying “Keep Calm and—” posters, turned gruesome after fair-goers became so calm that many of them forgot to breathe and died of oxygen deprivation. The seemingly random collapse of twelve people sparked an immense panic among some in the crowd. However, due to the influence of the “Keep Calm” posters, many people simply refused to move and were either killed by oncoming traffic or by merely accepting death as an inevitability and, sadly, remaining calm.
“It was just so calm,” one survivor told The Trail. “Like, so calm, it made the movie Tree of Life look like an action movie. It was literally a deadly silence. I’ve seen a comatose patient with more life.”
Seattle Police have cautioned locals to remain on edge as they slowly begin the process of removing trampled flesh and scattered innards from the unseasonably dry streets.
“We don’t want folks to assume the worst is over just yet,” Sergeant Randal Savage addressed to the Washington State Board of Education, who had not scheduled any press conference with Seattle Police. “We’ve recalled all the ‘Keep Calm and—’ posters, and are planning to replace them with ‘Sleep With One Eye Open’ posters. We want to send the right message to our kids, and clearly encouraging calm, peaceful behavior is not the answer! This is a devastating tragedy for the city of Seattle, and from here on out we will take large measures to ensure the city of Seattle is never too calm again. You just don’t know what could happen.”
Well, maybe we can learn a lesson from Seattle and not take things so literally, especially if they’re on a sign. Unless it’s a stop sign. Those are important.
