Combat Zone

ASUPS laundering money through laundry machines

Newly elected ASUPS president “Slick” Ricky Radelli has been outed as having laundered money to fund a political action committee, or PAC, to campaign before the elections took place. The PAC itself did little to help Radelli’s rise to office, as there were still fewer than 20 votes cast, most of which contained false write-in names such as “Seymour Butts” and “Megan Fox’s Thumbs.” Radelli won the election by a mere three votes, two of which were cast by Radelli’s opponents, Felix Dürtitrauser and Sally Soreass.
“By nature, the Soreasses are winners,” Sally Soreass said. “I conceded because I don’t want this stupid job. I only did this for the publicity, and I didn’t get it. I’m not the first Soreass loser. I chose not to win.”
“Okay, I admit that I was a little scared of Slick,” Dürtitrauser commented. “I can’t say for sure, but I thought I saw him sitting on a stolen Harley with aviator sunglasses, combing his hair back with a large black comb while chewing on a toothpick and squinting off into the distance like he sees something he doesn’t like, but really there’s nothing there. You don’t take chances with a guy like that.”
So, if the PAC didn’t win Radelli the election, what’s all the hubbub? After thorough investigation The Trail was able to source the money to an illicit paper mill running on the southern banks of the Sound. The money, reeking from the malodorous milling process, had been washed in University laundry machines to hide the source. Following the election, three Harrington washing machines and two dryers were found filled with the stinky, stinky bills.
At first the Radelli administration dodged accusations of foul play by pinning the blame on Dirk Mortigson, a smelly freshman virgin. However, under questioning, Mortigson broke down and spilled the beans in exchange for a grope of this reporter’s left boob. The things I do for journalism.
“Yeah, I got the money from my cousin Vinny’s unlicensed wedding invitation mill. So what?” commented Radelli when asked if the allegations were true. “Doesn’t matter squat now, cause I’m governor, or whatever. I’m in charge. I’d do it again, too!” The next three minutes of the interview are Radelli and his two associates maniacally laughing, and aren’t worth reporting.
Radelli was subsequently expelled from the University on charges of money laundering, theft and being mean to a freshman, that most valued and fragile class. He was last seen being escorted by security, spouting on about how Puget Sound is “full o’ wise guys anyhow.” Dürtitrauser and Soreass declined to fill the position, and thus begins the new year of student government under President Fox-Thumbs, who has yet to appear to an ASUPS meeting.