Combat Zone

School to apply PrintGreen lessons elsewhere on campus

PrintGreen is back! The new program from Sustainability Services, which was temporarily disabled in the beginning of the semester, is officially up and running, meaning students are going to have to become much more conscious about the amount of paper they’re using.
This has been a controversial program, with admirers and admonishers alike. Many students, primarily the history majors, have complained the “average” student uses far less paper than they need, insisting that they’re being discriminated against.
This is just the first of many new changes. The brilliance to this tree-saving program is a new efficiency-promoting software implemented by University of Puget Sound’s administration, the AVGStudent5000Calibrater-o-matic. The AS5COM calculates, based on hundreds of criteria, exactly what the “average” Puget Sound student needs, does, likes, thinks, eats and dreams, the most cost-effective way of making available the necessary resources for optimal academic performance. It will lead to some interesting results.
For example, the access ramp behind McIntyre recently disappeared this summer. It turns out the rationale behind this comes from a recent report from the AS5COM, indicating the average Puget Sound student isn’t handicapped. With this knowledge, hand rails and elevators are being scrapped from many buildings where they were previously installed.
It also means that men’s bathrooms are being closed or removed, as the average Puget Sound student is indeed female. Other extraneous programs are being cut, including the football team, all of Greek life, KUPS, the sidewalk that cuts through North campus, 25 parking spots (the average student doesn’t own a car), the entire Economics department, and Mike Segawa.
The AS5COM isn’t all about budget cuts, however. Many new programs are being instituted based on positive aspects of the average Puget Sound student. For example, did you know the average student is actually gluten free? Gluten products are being removed from all Dining Services areas, taken out back and lit on fire.
The average Puget Sound student drinks approximately 9 fl. oz. of alcohol in a given week. Therefore free shots are being served all day outside Diversions, with Diet Pepsi being provided as a chaser. Other new programs recommended by the AS5COM include free hiking boots, prescription-free glasses, copies of Michael Kimmel’s Guyland, longboards, NyQuil and a dildo. No administration officials were available for comment, which isn’t surprising, as the average Puget Sound student has never even set foot into Jones, let alone asked any administrator a question about anything, ever.