The 2012-2013 school year has seen a drastic uptake in the number of jobs outsourced to students, the most obvious being the new self-swipe card machines in the S.U.B. But more changes are on their way as part of the ten-year plan for the University.
The first change to be made involves eliminating as many workers from the S.U.B. as possible. “S.U.B. jobs are probably a huge drain on the University budget,” sophomore Hayley Grey said. “I mean students never stop eating so they have to keep it open all the time. Also plastic glove prices are skyrocketing.”
Students are soon going to be taking over all S.U.B. jobs themselves, turning the diner into a Hunger Games-style fight for the food. You thought first year burrito wrappers were bad; just wait until you have to wrap your own while defending your food from aggressive scavengers.
But the S.U.B. isn’t the only affected location on campus. Library jobs (find your own damn books), Diversions (there’s a how-to-make-fancy-coffee diagram on the wall), and the gym (the no sleeveless shirts rule will now be peer–enforced) are all going to cut back on staff. In fact, it seems as though the only department where the University won’t be outsourcing their jobs to students is the Landscape Maintenance department. Above all, the University takes the grass too seriously to entrust its care to students.
This may seem like a cheap way of taking advantage of the students while cutting back costs, but according to Vice-Presidential canidate Paul Ryan nothing could be further from the truth.
“Students need to hone skills other than reading. Especially the women, whose livelihood depends on their ability to cook. Look at me: I never learned to read, but I do know how to tell my wife to make me a sandwich,” Ryan said as his wife dolloped mustard and mayo on his head and tucked him between two slices of warm pumpernickel.
The University backs Ryan’s claims that by outsourcing these jobs they are providing students with valuable job experience and skills. It won’t be put on your resume or in your bank account, but what matters is that you know how to swipe a key card efficiently.
