Combat Zone

Scandal engulfed the campus community last week in wake of the revelation that Kelly James, star of Puget Sound’s Humanities department, has been using alcoholism to boost her skills as a writer. The shocking news broke days after the announcement that Kelly had won UPS’ semi-prestigious Writing Excellence Award. The Writing Excellence Award review board has voted unanimously to strip James of her award. Whether her grades in past writing classes will be called into question remains unknown. “The state of Ms. James’ academic record all depends on how long...

The day began like any other for senior Jerome Cohn. A few weeks ago, he woke up, crysterbated, then booted up his computer to check his email. To his shock and great joy, he had won the housing lottery. “I was so happy. I called my ma, I told her, I said, ‘WE DID IT, MA! I’M ON TOP OF THE WOOOOOOORRRRLLLDD.’” A senior taking an extra semester next year to finish his credits, Cohn’s class standing and a bit of good fortune had landed him the number-one position in...

Junior Rane Berisnt’s campaign for ASUPS president was floundering. A child of the isolated Luxembourgian aristocracy, he found it difficult to connect with his constituents in the Puget Sound student body. Though raised and schooled with the specific purpose of infiltrating an American liberal arts college in order to enhance Luxembourgian understanding of the American mindset, none of Rane’s ideas seemed to resonate with students. Then, Rane attended the Lucha Libre. Inspired by the awkward pacing, tinny music and harsh gym lighting, Rane decided to revamp his entire campaign. “Within...

It was an unseasonably sunny day for the University of Puget Sound, and freshman Edwin Rodgers was on his way to the library to study. Things were peaceful. He was happy. And it seemed as though nothing could bring him down. That is when he saw her. Bearing down on him, one nonchalant step at a time, was an attractive girl. Edwin’s caffeine-soaked mind sprang into action. He kind of maybe almost knew her. They had been at the same house party on Saturday. Her name was Alli... or perhaps...

By PIETER VAN DEFERENS “My penis is a mountain, silent and majestic,” announced senior Steve Johnson.  “My penis is a shining sword, a mighty tool, a monument.” “My penis is angry!” rejoined sophomore Chris Haardschaft.  “It is purple and aching and my balls, my balls, my balls, blue and swollen, how they cry out for freedom and release!” Such were the priapic odes of Puget Sound’s inaugural performance of  “The C*ck Talks” Friday night in Club Rendezvous.  The show drew a mix of criticism and praise from campus audiences, who...

As freshman, we had about 10 days of blissful peace. Then the rest of you showed up. I thought I’d compile a list of some of the interesting things I noticed about our dear, dear upperclassmen, because you yourselves are probably far too high to make observations on any scale less than the cosmic. Throw on your prescription-less glasses and buckle up those tight ass jeans, because we’re off: 1.) You don’t want us freshmen guys at your parties. It’s cool. We get it. We have our own parties anyway....

When George Robertson woke up, he didn’t know where he was. He had no sense of how long he’d been unconscious, and he couldn’t feel his legs. Fighting panic, he called out, and a doctor informed him that he was, in fact, in St. Joseph medical center. “You’re lucky to be alive,” the doctor told him. This news was heartening to George. “When the docs started talking about how lucky I was, I figured something awesome had happened. Like, I dunno, maybe they gave me a robot hand or something....