It’s hard getting students involved in campus activities. Ask any hall Resident Assistant.
“We’re always working against the apathy element,” said Lindsay Shamwow, T/P R.A. “We’ve got to come up with events that are fun and rewarding but can also fit into people’s schedules. And everyone is getting busier all the time. Promises of free pizza can only get us so far.”
But last month, Todd/Phibbs amazed the campus community with its wildly successful “Stay in and Jerk Off” event. “I’m pretty sure 90% of T/P came,” said Lindsay. “We’re back-ordering Kleenex. I’ve never seen such enthusiastic participation from so much of the resident population. It is really inspiring.”
The strength of the response has prompted a series of like-minded events in the near future.
Harrington and Schiff have announced plans for a joint event in early April, tentatively titled the “Nut Buster’s Olympics” or NBO. According to event coordinators from the two residence halls, the Olympics will feature prizes awarded to winners of different categories. Likely categories include speed, volume, and most consecutive finishes.
Also in the testing phase is a long-range accuracy component. Protective eyewear is strongly advised for those planning to attend.
Anticipation for the Olympics is running high in the halls. Many of Puget Sound’s most prolific wankers have already begun training. Total abstinence appears to be the most popular regimen.
However, it is a grueling lifestyle, both physically and psychologically taxing. One aspiring champion, German exchange student Heinrich Hamfist, destroyed his laptop to avoid temptation until the games.
American hopeful Joshua Dalton is combating his primal urges through daily viewings of “The Golden Girls.” While the strategy initially served as a powerful deterrent, he now says he can’t stop thinking about Betty White’s seductively quavering voice.
Like the original Greek Olympics and most Fortune 500 corporations, the Nut Buster’s Olympics is almost entirely devoid of women. The Vagina Empowerment Collective, Puget Sound’s most fiercely pro-anti club, released a statement condemning the NBO as “excessively phallocentric.”
The Collective took special offense after a representative of the NBO planning committee remarked “Is girl masturbation even a thing?”
The NBO committee has denied any pro-phallus agenda, and urged young women to take part in the games.
Should we be worried about all this wanking? Lisa O’Doul, M.D., consulting physician to CHWS, says no. “Masturbation is a normal, healthy part of a sex life. I think it’s great to see students opening up about getting off. If you know how to fly solo, you’re going to know yourself that much better when it comes time to double up and get down.”
