Combat Zone

Aries, Cancer break up; friends not surprised

Last Monday, after three months of dating, sophomores Kathy Bennett and Michael Hayes finally broke up. While both parties professed to being deeply hurt, close friends and classmates unanimously supported the split, and frankly, no one is at all surprised.

“He’s an assertive guy. She’s shy and quiet,” said Amy Moosher, close friend and confidant of Kathy.  “Plus, she’s super sensitive and he doesn’t know when to stop joking sometimes…. Don’t get me wrong. They’re both super chill and fun people. It’s just, they’re not compatible. And anyways, Aries are suuuper-stubborn.”

“Sure, he’s hard-headed,” said Kathy. “Always charging into situations. And I can be crabby at times, and I guess I can get oversensitive. But I don’t believe in this whole compatibility thing. We didn’t break up because of when we were born. FATE DOES NOT CONTROL OUR DESTINIES!”

Kathy declined further comment, as she broke down in tears, sobbing uncontrollably and muttering senseless things about free will.

Kathy’s friend Rachel Bloxkowicz, a textbook Gemini, waited until the waxing Gibbous moon to talk with the Trail, noting that she has trouble expressing herself when the “moon is in the house of Venus.”

“I mean, come on, there’s no way it could have worked out,” Rachel said. “She is suuuuch a Cancer. Such a Cancer. She doesn’t listen to my readings, but just look how it turned out. Amiright? Amiright?”

“As for Michael,” Rachel continued, “Such an Aries. Suuuuuuch an Aries. Doesn’t know when to quit, you know? So he’s stubborn, and she’s all sensitive, and they both didn’t want to admit that they were drunk and she didn’t even know his name when they first hooked up, but come on. Astrology, people. Don’t pretend it’s not real. It’s always right. ALWAYS!”

Confusing many of Kathy’s close friends was her dismissal of all the obvious signs. Speaking on condition of anonymity, several of her friends noticed she had lost interest recently in many of her important decision-making methods, such as star charts and tea-reading. She opts instead to “ask friends for advice” and “read about psychology.”

Also, Kathy ignored a tarot reading where her near future was marked by an inverted Page of Swords, her external influences were marked by the Tower and her outcome was a Five of Cups, which, as we all know, leads to poor personal decisions.

“I told her a few months ago there would be a dramatic shift in her romantic relationships,” said Madame Agathastra, Kathy’s family psychic. “And I warned her. ‘Kathy,’ I said, ‘No hooking up with Aries. No Aries!’ Fate is a finicky fiend, friends. It takes delicate balance and patience to interpret the mysterious ethos surrounding our destinies. But this. I might as well have slapped her across the face with a stop sign. Nobody listens to poor Madame Agathastra these days….”

Kathy’s philosophy professor, Will Ormsterg, most notable for the defense of free will in ethical theories, wasn’t available for comment, but he had apparently urged her not to listen to her friends and psychic and instead to create her own destiny through her choices, which clearly didn’t work out.

The Trail will not take a stance on the validity of astrology or other deterministic theories, but as of writing this, Kathy is seeing a Sagittarius. We’ll see how that goes. I mean, come on. Cancer and Sagittarius? The Trail officially gives it three weeks.