Combat Zone

Tour guides 90% “full of crap”

Last Tuesday, the Independent Tour Guide Association of America posted its annual review of Puget Sound’s campus tour program. The findings have proven an embarrassment to the university. It seems that an incredible 90% of what tour guides tell prospective students and their families is, in fact, complete horsecrap.

The lies told to visiting families range widely, with the most common falsehood being “it’s not usually this rainy.” Other oft-told lies include “everyone’s probably studying,” and “I don’t smell any pot.”

“There’s really not any incentive to be fact-checking everything you say,” said one former tour guide, who requested anonymity. “It’s not like any of these prospective students are going to look up the facts once they get home. And I was usually pretty hungover whenever I did a tour, anyway. So I just smiled a bunch and said whatever came into my head.”

The campus tour program has drawn considerable criticism since the release of the report. It would seem that the qualifications for a job as a tour guide are little less than an ability to walk backward and talk for an extended period of time.

Due to the bad press and irrelevance of the tour guides, the university is considering the replacement of all tours with a brochure and a map, available at the info center. However, such a change may in turn necessitate the installation of a large map near the school entrance, indicating the location of the brochures and maps.

Not everyone is outraged about the high horsecrap levels among our tour guides. Some have pointed out that this may serve as an opportunity to play up a significant part of Puget Sound’s unique character: the dedication to projecting a pleasing image at all times.

“Let’s face it. This isn’t a college so much as it is a public relations stunt,” said Tinfoil Joe, the drifter who’s been living in the library basement since 1995.

“It’s a big tax write-off so some fat cats can drink expensive wine at donor meetings,” He continued. “We do our best to play this thing off as a place of learning, but it’s really all about image. So why not lie? Come to Puget Sound, where it’s always sunny, students give a damn and your tuition dollars go right to delivering a first-rate education.”