Combat Zone

All of Tacoma was plunged into darkness on Monday. Temperatures dropped and loggers bundled up as the sun disappeared entirely. All evidence points to a long, damp and dark winter. We have been cursed. We won’t see the light of day for the rest of the school year. And it’s all Joey Duckess’ fault. Joey thought it would be cool to buy a bag of assorted herbs from a barefoot mountain man he met while slacklining. After selling Joey the herbs, the supposed mountain man gave Joey instructions on the...

When Becca Figurski graduates this Spring, she will have completed UPS’ very first Internet Studies major, despite the fact that no such major exists. Her major is self-proclaimed, the product of years of passionate exploration of the web. In declaring her major, Becca hopes to raise awareness for the thousands of students who just want to browse the net in a scholarly capacity. Becca starting her life of spleunking the tubes of the net when she was 10. Her father gave her a dusty Macintosh with Internet Explorer. By 13,...

Dear Puget Sound Students, Halloween is almost here once more, and with it comes opportunities for fun and temptations that must be avoided.  As the zombie President of this fine university, I have fleshed out a sapid list of delectable tips that might satiate your hunger for Halloween advice. We have a diverse and scrumptious student body with some of the best brains in the Northwest, and I know that you will all be respectful to each other on this most piquant of holidays. Nonetheless, I hope you carve a...

Halloween is right around the corner and the entire campus is talking about the same thing: the newfound celebrity of Ted Bundy’s ghost. Since his first appearance in the Schiff basement a few weeks ago, he has earned the nickname “Teddy the Friendly Ghost.” “I know he killed a lot of people when he was alive, but it seems like he’s cooled down a bit since dying. He’s become a great friend,”  senior Melissa Andrews said. “It’s actually kind of cute,” Andrews added. “He’ll try to hug people and give...

The campus was abuzz with celebration last weekend. President Thomas was on hand to shotgun the ceremonial diet soda in recognition of a milestone in the university’s history. “We have eliminated binge drinking,” Thomas said. “Gone are the days of reckless, rapid consumption of alcohol. The school is now promoting moderate, daylong drinking. It’s been a long road, but we’ve done it.” There were many who doubted the university’s capacity to stamp out the student population’s thirst for shots and the shenanigans that follow. The board of trustees, angered by...

How little do you know about your man’s body? Not a lot, huh? The average college male’s body is an enigmatic labyrinth of erogenous zones and pleasure complexes that only the most experienced adventurers should ever attempt to pleasure alone. Fortunately, after years of research and experimentation on my own body I have discovered the ten best ways to please a man. Be warned, the road ahead is difficult and treacherous, but once you get there you’ll surely find that summiting the venerable Mount Orgasm was worth the effort. So...

POINT: Returning Study Abroad Students Have Been Replaced by Body Snatchers. By Conner Stenner Ladies and gentlemen of the campus community: inhuman, godless monsters have overrun our beloved university. They have no conscience or moral compass. I know for certain that these returning study abroad students are not who they say they are. The people we once knew have been replaced by soulless, body-snatching doppelgangers. It’s shocking, I know, but look at the facts. Ever since those study abroad students returned, they’ve been acting suspiciously. Their outfits are the worst...

The Associated Students of University of Puget Sound (ASUPS) is now delivering to the student body exciting campus updates and broadening the social communications paradigm of Puget Sound with the help of their new social media devices! What better way to keep the student body linked-in and up-to-date. It’s not just the predictable Facebook and Twitter route, either. “We are hitting the students with everything,” Jim Chodar, creator of the ASUPS network, said. “Facebook, Twitter, Flickr, Orkut, Blogspot, Myyearbook. Literally everything. Even some old-school Myspace action.” Everyone is interested to...

William Dahlmann was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s when he was 67. William forgot memories, faces, he even forgot to wipe after using the bathroom. His grandchildren constantly extorted money from him, each day claiming that he had not given them a birthday present yet. After struggling with Alzheimer’s for nearly 20 years, at age 86 William Dahlmann finally forgot that he had Alzheimer’s, and cured himself of the disease. Scientists and philosophers alike have been trying to discover how this strange miracle occurred. “I have a theory,” Dr. Joe Morgan,...