New ‘Orient’ation program announced
Puget Sound’s famous freshman orientation program, ranked as the best in the country, will be getting a facelift, pigment dying, palette transformation surgery and Chinese-language classes, just in time for the incoming freshman class next Fall.
A press release, in the form a little red book, was released last week. Outlined in it was the new ‘Orient’ation program, which will last all four years instead of one week, with the eventual outcome of a class full of Asian businessmen.
University officials admitted that the ‘Orient’ation was simply a plot to get more money from successful alumni.
“Asia will be the new place to do business in the near future,” reported one official who requested to remain anonymous for fears regarding his security. “The Asian business culture is different from the West. Family ties are very important to business, and for the time being, there is still a strong preference and trust for one’s fellow countrymen in business.”
Mr. Gumption, crap, I mean, the anonymous official went on to explain that by turning the run-of-the-mill student into an Asian businessman success in the growing marketplace would be assured, resulting in larger donations from alumni.
“And our diversity rates will go through the roof,” he said.
According to the press release, “Incoming students will be given a soft, unsuspecting introduction to Asian culture, including mandatory seminars on Confucianism, calligraphy, Buddhism and proper etiquette in a business setting.”
Freshmen will be offered five paths to follow: Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Thai and Honors (Singaporean). Students have one year to choose, and upon arriving at school for their second year, will be chloroformed and operated on, “to usher in stage two of ‘Orient’ation: Passages.”
“When all is said and done,” proclaimed the booklet, “what was once a member of the caucasian bourgeois, with intentions of majoring in English and working in non-profit, will become a successful simulacrum of an Asian professional, ready to get a job at a major multinational corporation. If our estimates are correct, one alum will be able to donate around $35,000 a year.”
The news of this ingenious program has been met with resistance from the student body. In particular, students are against the use of the outdated and offensive term ‘Orient’ in the title. Outside of that linguistic faux pas, most students accept the idea and wish they could have been around to be part of it.
“I mean, with the economy the way it is, earning large sums of money at the cost of my ethnic and cultural identity is not all that bad of a choice,” sophomore Cesar Rojas-Vallejo said. “And I’ve always wanted to learn Korean, as well.”
However, many members of the campus Asian community spoke of their resistance in all forms against the program, citing “quasi-eugenics,” “playing god,” and the “fact that it’s just plain f***ing insane and racist” as reasons against ‘Orient’ation.
Attempts to silence protests have gone without success due to the fact that a significant percentage of Asian students are majoring in Biology and Chemistry. The school has a strict policy against supressing students that are likely to become valuable high-earning alumni.