We PSO leaders follow one unbreakable rule: Leave no trace. This rule is easy for us to follow, but so much of the world is uneducated in such matters.
Ask yourself, “How many times have I been stuck in the outdoors and not known exactly how to clean up after myself?” Did you say, “So many?” It’s a common problem, I know. But don’t worry, if you follow the steps that I lay out in this article, you’ll be able to see that leaving no trace in the wild is not only a great way to dispose of bodies but also a lot of fun and good for the environment.
We’ve all been there: Your hiking buddies didn’t deposit their poop a full six inches below the topsoil, and while trying to show them the error of their ways you accidentally murder your entire camping party. What a mess! I guess its time to get cleaning!
The first thing you should do is remove all fingerprints and teeth. These take longer to biodegrade than the rest of the body and are incidentally also what the police will use to identify the victims. They hiked them in so you hike them out. Put the teeth and finger shavings in a plastic bag and dispose of them in the Expy’s “Vat-o-Lye” once you return to campus.
Next, sever all limbs and extremities from the body. Ideally, you want to make the pieces of your ex-outdoorsmen as small as possible. This will facilitate a more rapid breakdown of the soft tissue, as well as allow you to scatter the remains over a greater distance, complicating search and rescue efforts.
Finally, you want to be sure to bury the sliced and diced remains a full 24 inches below the surface. This is deep enough to deter all but the most resolute scavengers. I cannot tell you how many times people have forgotten this simple rule, and before you know it squirrels are becoming acclimatized to human flesh, running around in small packs and devouring hikers like a swarm of land piranhas.
Oh, I almost forgot. What about the backpacks? These things are too heavy to carry out and really incriminating. But the solution is rather simple and eco-friendly: Smother the victims’ gear with fish guts and leave them. In no time at all the bears will come by, attracted by the scent, and tear open the backs in search of more food. That way, all the authorities will suspect a bear attack before you, because you’re just a harmless little girl who likes cats, the outdoors, cooking vegan meals and taxidermy.
There you have it! The best ways to leave no trace! Now get out there and answer the real question: “If my whole camping group gets viciously murdered in the forest and no one is around to see it, did it really happen?”
