Combat Zone


The following incidents occurred on campus and were reported to Security Services between Nov. 23 and Nov. 28

•Two members of Campus Security, responding to a call, approached a campus-owned house on 12th and Alder that was believed to be occupied by a group known as “The Underground Christians,” a heavily-armed fundamentalist group that believed the apocalypse was imminent, following the relase of Adam Sandler’s latest romantic comedy.  Upon entering the house, the security guards discovered the bodies of all 57 members of the cult, victims of a mass suicide. Autopsies later revealed the persons, which included 12 children, died from drinking coca-cola real fast and then jumping up and down, causing ruptures in their stomach lining. A small bag of pot was found at the house.

Courtesy of Todd Spoiledpork, Director of Security Services