Students,
We write today to address a significant issue that has developed on campus regarding your administration’s fundamental misunderstanding of the laws of supply and demand, as well as its serious deficiencies in fourth grade mathematics. With high frequency, bicycles were getting locked to the emergency bike racks (henceforth referred to as “hand railings”) around campus. While it may seem that reconstruction of the library entrance over the summer would have given Facilities ample opportunity to provide a sufficient number of bike racks, I can assure you that was not the case. Furthermore, you are stupid for thinking we would. We would like to reiterate the sentiments expressed in our previous notification, as well as explain the logic behind our decisions regarding this grave issue.
During the planning of the Commencement Walk we puzzled over the number of bike racks to place around the school. The argument was made that an active, ecologically-minded student body would require a great deal of bicycle parking. However, we quickly realized that placing bike racks would be detrimental to the aesthetic we desire to cultivate here at Puget Sound. In building the Commencement Walk we sought to create a meadow-like haven for the checkbooks of alumni and prospective students’ parents. We knew that, above all, we could not let our Walk fall victim to the scourge that has claimed so many of our school’s great landmarks. I speak, of course, of dirty bike-riding hippies.
So a decision was made. The best way to contain the hippie menace was to confine them to their rooms. The bike rack fund was emptied and spent on providing the student body with free cable. We felt that if we could isolate students in their rooms our Walk would remain clean.
But we were wrong. We found we could not make students stay indoors. Students began locking their bicycles to the purely decorative hand railings, upsetting the serene environment that studies have shown most conducive to encouraging donations. We tried to bargain with you, tried to keep you out of sight with endless reruns of “Family Guy,” but we soon saw that more drastic measures were needed.
So, as you already know, Security Services will now impound bicycles that are locked on the ramp side of railings on building access ramps. The first impound will be considered a warning and the bicycle will be recycled and forged into more hand railings. Subsequent bicycle locking violations and impoundments will initiate a conduct process culminating in enrollment in mandatory vehicular re-education camps for the offending student and their family. Upon completion of the re-education curriculum students will be issued one (1) Razor scooter so they may join their fellow students in commuting to class by the most obnoxious means possible.
Remember, bicycle racks are available off campus and we will be adding additional hand railings as early as next week. Please take an extra minute to locate available bicycle racks at the Proctor and Pearl Safeways. There is a large covered rack on the South East corner of the Wheelock Student Center that will keep your filth appropriately separated from the campus proper.
We regret the need for these actions, but you leave us no choice. Thank you for your compliance.
Rodd Z. Bahdmahn ‘69
Director of Security Courtesy of Ford Dent
