Combat Zone

CZ editor assigns Greek Life article: Writers out of original ways to mock frats and sores

Citing the as-of-yet-unmet quota for one Greek Life article per semester, Stumpy Joe Dargoniw, editor of the Combat Zone, assigned his writing staff an article aimed at the flaws of Greek Life at Puget Sound.

In the ensuing brainstorming session the writing staff could not help but avoid running over easy, stereotypical articles with pieces on reckless drinking and drugging. The writers almost wrote “Sorority Girl Officially Holds Hair of all Puking Sisters,” and later “Drunk Bros Fight, Pass Out, Spoon as Alcohol Takes Hold” but decided both were really predictable, and neither of the articles did justice to Greek alcoholism.

The writers then turned to reckless sex and were halfway done with “Why Bros Show their Junk in Odd Places” before “Drunk Sorority Girl Defies Tradition, Earns Respect from Frat Boys Before Putting Out” changed up the game.

But of course, how could this group of young writers respect themselves if they did not at least give due to that subtle mystery of initiation: “Phi Delt Batting Practice. Just for Baseball?“ and “Who Turned Off the Lights? Boy, That Flashlight is Cold,” which would have been undercover investigations into the initiation system over the course of four weeks. But no writer was interested in putting his own ass on the pledge line.

High-brow ideas like, “Socrates does kegstand” or, “Greeks facing beer austerity measures” were also discussed and eventually passed up.

The writers then began to probe into the deeper questions of Greek life. For instance, writers questioned why Greeks would devote time and money to something that actually achieved nothing. Is $600 better spent on several well-connected friends or on 40 idiots who, like children, follow you blindly, giving you a bloated sense of your own power and importance?

Do Greeks really think that the connection they have with members in their house will get them more jobs when almost all-adult business owners know the negative stereotypes of the Greek world? Or who, who in God’s name, sells roofies to frats?

Ultimately, the writers were completely stumped by these questions, mainly because they could find no logic in the action of the subjects they attempted to describe.

Once out of jokes, one writer took the initiative to write what he described as “a meta-article, or some bulls*** like that. I don’t care.”