Combat Zone

The following is an account of time spent in New York City during Hurricane Sandy by Trail reporter Jezebel Lightly. It’s 5 p.m. on Sunday. I’m on a New York City street, somewhere on the lower East Side. Today, the winds have begun to pick up. Trash is scattered everywhere and it’s beginning to pour. So, at a glance, not too abnormal. But you can feel it. This one’s different. The name “Sandy” is heard muttered beneath people’s breath. Stores everywhere have been boarded up. Pizzerias, with neon lights flickering...

Hello. My name is Jill Stein and I am the Green Party candidate for President of the United States. It’s kind of a big deal. You might be wondering why I’m writing in to your dinky little school paper. If so, you’d certainly be shocked to learn that I appeared at your school last Saturday as a speaker. No, I’m serious. Truly, in all actuality, I was here, on Oct. 20, speaking on the Politics of Courage Tour. This is not a joke that the stupid satire section of your...

The Combat Zone, following this election like an anteater on an ant colony, has officially endorsed Jacob Mahoney as the governor of Washington! I know it's late in the game to be announcing this kind of thing, but frankly, we just found out about this dude like a week ago. He's pretty under the radar, something we appreciate in a candidate. How annoying do all those signs get, you know? Just like, Darnielle, Darnielle, Darnielle, Darnielle. All in a row. Does that mean you like that candidate four times as...

Newly elected ASUPS president “Slick” Ricky Radelli has been outed as having laundered money to fund a political action committee, or PAC, to campaign before the elections took place. The PAC itself did little to help Radelli’s rise to office, as there were still fewer than 20 votes cast, most of which contained false write-in names such as “Seymour Butts” and “Megan Fox’s Thumbs.” Radelli won the election by a mere three votes, two of which were cast by Radelli’s opponents, Felix Dürtitrauser and Sally Soreass. “By nature, the Soreasses...

I write to you in protest of the insane ASUPS voting system here at Puget Sound. As a freshman, I was just recently introduced to the University and its elected student body. When I tried to vote for the officer candidates online, I found out something pretty interesting. Turns out our votes are weighed by class rank. That’s right: sophomore votes count more than freshman, etc. Seriously, do you guys even know that? Am I the only one who voted? I thought it was just coincidence that all the candidates...

Given the recent statements made by several government officials, including representative Jack Bakin’s (R-MO 2nd District) confused remarks about “legitimate rape” and women’s reproductive rights, The Trail thought it appropriate to assign a team to investigate the origin and nature of men’s education. Intense investigation revealed that Representative Bakin did not attend preschool or kindergarten, skipping that key period when children are taught the social skills they need to work and cooperate with peers in a social environment. Because of his lack of fundamental social exposure, Bakin has missed several...

A growing concern of the freshman class this year is in regards to their geographical frustration of living in Seattle. Several do not understand why their expectations of living in such a large city are failing them so dramatically. The Campus Visit Program is not commenting on allegations made by several students that the notion of living in Seattle has been over hyped. Others have begun to notice discrepancies in the general population they expected to find, here in the city. Instead of the young and hip hustle and bustle...

For reasons that have only just surfaced, three agents of the Drug Enforcement Administration have stepped down on the grounds that they have become pacifists. The announcement came just days after the DEA raided a medical marijuana dispensary in the state capital, Olympia. The agents were supposed to have raided the dispensaries and then burn down the buildings, but due to a typo on the agents’ issued briefing, the agents were instructed to “raid the dispensaries and confiscate any and all marijuana plants and paraphernalia. Burn in the buildings.” The...

PrintGreen is back! The new program from Sustainability Services, which was temporarily disabled in the beginning of the semester, is officially up and running, meaning students are going to have to become much more conscious about the amount of paper they’re using. This has been a controversial program, with admirers and admonishers alike. Many students, primarily the history majors, have complained the “average” student uses far less paper than they need, insisting that they’re being discriminated against. This is just the first of many new changes. The brilliance to this...

As an alumnus it has come to my attention that the University plans to remodel Club Rendezvous in the coming years. This recent revelation has brought up a slew of memories at what we then called Rendezvous 54, and how it defined my time at Puget Sound. Rendezvous was the place to be seen on a Friday night in 1976. I was a freshman and had only heard rumors of the Rendezvous 54 glory. My stomach was in knots but my hair was feathered and fresh and my jeans fit...

A new hero has been patrolling the mean street of Tacoma, dealing out his own brand of justice, foiling a recent string of Taco Bell robberies. “Don’t know what to do about it,” Chief of Police O’Hanigan McFlattery Sullivan said. “First of all, it’s pretty bizzare someone would make a point of only robbing Taco Bells since they all have time lock safes. Even if you were successful you’d only make it out with $40.” “And secondly,” Sullivan continued, “why would a vigilante focus only on protecting Taco Bells? Do...

The streets of Seattle were anything but calm during Saturday’s “Keep Calm” street fair downtown. The benefit, meant to raise money for the city’s public education fund by selling those annoying “Keep Calm and—” posters, turned gruesome after fair-goers became so calm that many of them forgot to breathe and died of oxygen deprivation. The seemingly random collapse of twelve people sparked an immense panic among some in the crowd. However, due to the influence of the “Keep Calm” posters, many people simply refused to move and were either killed...