Combat Zone

Where Were You, Buttheads?

Hello. My name is Jill Stein and I am the Green Party candidate for President of the United States. It’s kind of a big deal. You might be wondering why I’m writing in to your dinky little school paper. If so, you’d certainly be shocked to learn that I appeared at your school last Saturday as a speaker. No, I’m serious. Truly, in all actuality, I was here, on Oct. 20, speaking on the Politics of Courage Tour.
This is not a joke that the stupid satire section of your news paper made up. I was here. Look it up. Some schools wouldn’t be overawed by that, but some schools have 35,000 students and a high national profile. The University of Puget Sound has … trees, mainly.
This being the case, it came as a bit of a shock to me that no one was interested in attending my event. I am, after all, a much bigger name than you would normally draw. I was distressed, at first. Then I learned that, lo and behold, no one advertised it. You papered over the whole school in PrintGreen nonsense, but you couldn’t so much as throw up a flyer for a presidential candidate? I don’t blame you, the student, necessarily. I blame the larger media conspiracy.
As you are probably aware, third parties are not taken seriously in this country. If you don’t believe me, ask yourself if you knew who I was 45 seconds ago. We receive exactly zero press, which kills any swell of support we might have gotten.
Hell, we’ve gotten so little coverage that I don’t even remember my own platform. Hug trees and smoke pot, or something like that. This mandate to ignore other parties and ideas comes straight from the top. American media is controlled mainly by Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox News, and all its associates. The opposition media is just a branch off of Murdoch’s larger entity, put out to provide the illusion of equality. Equality for Democrats and Republicans, sure. For those us who want to break the mold? Nothing.
How does this tie into Puget Sound? Well, how many posters of my event did you see? At first I thought that Puget Sound was controlled directly by Murdoch. However, the truth is more frightening.
Lean in close, children, whilst I reveal the secrets. Extensive Bing research has led me to the inescapable fact that the real mastermind, the unseen puppeteer twisting us around on his demonic strings, is none other than Tonald Rhombus, president of Puget Sound. Indeed, it cannot be denied: Thomas owns most of this country in practical terms, and he’s aiming for the rest.
And lest ye think the school was simply playing the non-partisan card, look into your past, to 2008, when a campaigning Hilary Clinton was a guest speaker here. Ask your beloved TonRhom if that was a big deal.
Run. Run while you still can, and remember to vote Jill Stein on Nov. 6. I’m pretty sure I’ll be on the ballot, somewhere.

Jill Stein
Green Party Canidate